💭 Unmasking: The Struggle of Being Myself

Unmasking, One Post at a Time

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Specifically about unmasking my autism. And while I’ve had some positive experiences with it, I’ve come to realize that the negative experiences still outweigh the positive ones. And that makes me really sad. It’s hard, honestly, because I don’t know what else to do or who else to be. I can’t be anything but myself, and sometimes it feels like that’s just too much for people to handle.

I know I’ve gotten some positive responses—people have been understanding, kind, and validating—but still, the negativity lingers. And that’s tough. It’s like a heavy weight in my chest. When my mom was sharing her experiences with unmasking, I couldn’t really respond in the way I wanted to. I wasn’t sure how to say it, but I’ve been feeling like my own experience of unmasking has been harder.

A person sitting on a bathroom toilet, holding a small white dog and a bundle of flowers, with a smile on their face. The bathroom features green walls and a vanity with toiletries in the background.

For me, it’s not just about letting go of the mask. It’s about trying to explain the way I move through the world. I feel like I need to explain why I do certain things, like singing loudly to myself or having the song “Jingle Bells” stuck in my head 24/7. Or why I sometimes talk out loud to myself, the animals, or even inanimate objects around me. These are stims. If you don’t know what stimming is, I suggest you look it up. It’s a way of self-regulating, a form of expression. It’s something that helps me feel grounded. But it’s also something that makes me feel like I have to explain myself to others.

A person smiling while posing next to vibrant green leaves and clusters of white flowers in a natural setting.
Mmmmmm smells so good.

Here’s the thing: I can talk to animals or inanimate objects with ease, but when it comes to talking to people? That’s when I freeze. That’s when it gets too weird. It’s like my brain can’t quite make the connection, and then the pressure of social expectations just hits me. So, I just keep it inside. I don’t feel free to express myself the way I want to. And that’s painful—not just mentally, but physically too. Holding in stims isn’t just hard emotionally; it hurts in my body, and it’s depressing. It’s exhausting to try to be something I’m not.

A close-up view of a flowering strawberry plant with a white bloom and green leaves emerging from dark soil in a pot.

I’ve spent so much of my life masking my true self because I thought it would make things easier. But it hasn’t. Not really. And now, as I’m unmasking, I’m faced with all these conflicting feelings. The sadness of wanting to be myself, but also feeling like I have to explain why I am the way I am. It’s like trying to explain the air I breathe or the way my heart beats. It’s me. It’s who I am. It’s autism. It’s ADHD. It’s my brain. It’s my body. Take it or leave it.

A smiling person holding a dandelion flower in a backyard with cloudy skies and a white fence in the background.

But sometimes, when I’m still caught in the moments of doubt, I wonder: what would it be like to just be free? Free from the expectations, the need for explanations, the weight of others’ judgment. It feels so far out of reach some days. But I hold on to the hope that one day, the world will be a little more understanding and a lot less demanding of conformity.

Smiling person in a yellow jacket sitting by a riverbank, with a laptop in front, surrounded by lush greenery and a cloudy sky.

So yeah, I’m unmasking. And it’s a process. A painful, raw, beautiful process. And I’m doing it for me.

A close-up selfie of a person with long hair, wearing a bright yellow jacket and a colorful striped sweater, standing outdoors with a wooden structure in the background under a cloudy sky.

Title: Hyperfocused on Gardening: A Neurodivergent Spin on a Joyful Day of Planting

A black cat sitting inside a gardening planter on a patio, with additional empty pots nearby.

Today was one of those days where everything just clicked, and I got completely lost in something. I mean, I was hyperfocused—like, buzzing with excitement. My whole body was practically tingling with joy as I worked my way through this gardening project. If you’ve ever felt so into something that your entire body is just lit up, you’ll know exactly what I mean.

A person potting new plants on a wooden deck, with a black cat nearby. The individual is wearing a red floral top and white shorts, holding a gardening tool. A container for planting is visible in the foreground.
Me & Frodo during the potting process (which I’ll have to redo, but that’s OK!)

For a while now, I’ve wanted to grow a garden—not just flowers in pots, but something I could eat. Something I could snack on, something healthy. My first thought was strawberries. I’d love to grow them and just pop them in my mouth right from the garden. But, as it turns out, they were a little too expensive for my budget today (they were $30, which is way out of my price range). I’ll definitely be getting them eventually, but today wasn’t the day for strawberries.

Person taking a selfie in a mirror wearing a white shirt with paint splatters and a visor, sticking out their tongue and showing a playful expression.

As I walked through the garden center, I started thinking about what I could grow within my budget. That’s when I spotted cucumber plants, and it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. Cucumbers! They’re perfect for snacking, and I could totally make pickles someday. And at $4.56, they were a great fit for my budget. So, I grabbed one.

Then I saw it. Lavender. Oh, lavender. It was $5.37, and I had to have it. I debated for a second but knew I couldn’t leave without it. I was about to stop there, but THEN, when the cashier rang me up, I found out both the cucumber and lavender were on sale for $3.33 each. I couldn’t resist—so I ran back and grabbed a cantaloupe plant I had also been eyeing. It was my third choice, but at that price, it was totally meant to be!

A person sitting on a patio with potted plants, a black cat nearby, and a dog lying on the grass in a backyard setting.
HEY! 😀

I was so stoked, I couldn’t wait to get home and start planting. Now, I’m not a pro, but I had enough of an idea of what I was doing. I potted the plants into the containers I had on hand, but here’s the thing—after a little more research, I realized that I’ll definitely need bigger pots. So, that fun repotting session? That’s coming either tonight or tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it, though, because I’m excited to give them the space they need to grow.

Overgrown catnip plant and soil in a backyard with a white fence in the background.
A rustic wooden planter box sitting on grass, with a plain background.

And, of course, I also found out that cucumbers and cantaloupe need trellises, which sent me into another hyperfocused spin. I started Googling how to make trellises, and then I was texting my dad about any random pieces of wood he has in his garage (he has a ton, believe me). The idea of building my own trellis has me pretty hyped, and I can’t wait to see how that turns out.

The other part of my day that really lit me up was working with my hands to clear out the overgrown catnip plant in the backyard. I grabbed my cutters, started pulling out weeds, and getting all dirty in the soil was just so satisfying. I didn’t realize how much I’d enjoy using a hoe until today. It kind of felt like swinging a softball bat, but in a really productive way. So, I got a little workout in too (no complaints there). My muscles are definitely feeling it, and I think I’ll be sore tomorrow, but it was totally worth it.

By the end of the day, I had cucumber, cantaloupe, and lavender plants sitting in their new pots (for now). The backyard looks a million times better with the catnip cleared out. And honestly? It was so much fun. I was so into it that I forgot time even existed. This whole gardening thing? It’s turned into one of my “special interests,” and I think it’s a perfect example of how my neurodivergent mind works. When something captures my attention, it grabs hold of me fully. And today, gardening was that thing.

If you’re wondering what “special interests” are, they’re basically things that autistic people get really into. It’s not just a passing fascination, either. Special interests can bring so much joy and motivation. For me, gardening (and my house plants) has become a major part of that. It’s one of those things that makes me feel energized and alive in a way that’s hard to describe unless you’ve experienced it yourself.

Anyway, today was a reminder that it’s okay to get lost in something that excites you, even if you don’t have everything figured out. Sometimes, it’s about the joy of doing something right then and there, just because. And hey, if you haven’t tried gardening yet, I highly recommend it. It’s grounding, it’s thrilling, and it’s incredibly satisfying.

Thanks for reading! Drop a comment if you’ve had any hyperfocused moments (or gardening wins). I’d love to hear about it!

🧷 Closet Full of Stories: Styled Like Me

🪡 The Art of Dressing Myself: Fashion as My First Form of Art

Before the canvases, before the poetry, before the essays—I was already making art.
I just didn’t realize it yet.

It started with an outfit.

Putting together clothes has always been my way of expressing who I am—without needing to explain it. To me, curating the right look is like painting a picture: color, shape, mood, contrast, comfort, boldness, softness. And the canvas is me.

Over the years, so many people—friends, strangers, even my therapist and a woman in HR at a law firm—told me I had a unique, interesting, stylish fashion sense. That I should be a fashion curator, or an influencer. I always shrugged it off. I didn’t think of it as a talent. I just thought I liked what I liked.

But now I realize—that is the talent.
Having a personal sense of beauty. Knowing what makes you feel like you.
Not just following trends, but trusting your eye, your body, your voice.

And so, I’m finally honoring that.

This new section of my blog is for the artists who don’t always call themselves artists. The ones who express themselves through textures, layers, thrifted magic, oversized jackets, statement boots, a favorite pair of pants that feel like home. It’s for anyone who’s ever felt more like themselves just by wearing the right thing. It’s for anyone who’s ever been told they “have a look” and didn’t know how to take it.

It’s for the neurodivergent kids who communicate through aesthetics before words.
It’s for the adults still rediscovering their reflection.

This isn’t about being trendy (although sometimes trend and truth collide).
This is about style. Your style. The kind that makes you feel real, alive, and a little bit braver.

Yes, I still wear outfits that flop sometimes. And honestly? I kind of love that too.

Welcome to my fashion fling. Let’s dress like we mean it.

💔 Laughing Until It Hurts: Why Being One of the Guys Isn’t What It Seems

This one’s been sitting heavy on my chest for a while. For most of my life, I’ve found myself in rooms full of guys—joking with them, laughing with them, feeling like I belonged. But lately, I’ve started noticing the cracks in that comfort. This essay is about what it’s like being the only girl in the group, how easy that role can feel… until it doesn’t. It’s about misogyny hiding under the surface, the cost of calling it out, and the strange grief that comes with realizing not every friendship was what you thought it was. If you’ve ever been “the cool girl,” I hope this resonates.

I’ve been the only girl in a group of guys more times than I can count.

It’s not always intentional. It just… happens. It’s like wherever I go, I gravitate toward guys. And for most of my life, especially as I’ve gotten older, I’ve found that easier in a lot of ways. Simpler, sometimes. Less socially exhausting. More straightforward. There’s a kind of casualness in guy groups that can feel like a relief—especially when you’ve spent your life being hyper-aware of every social cue, every shift in tone, every invisible expectation in a room.

That doesn’t mean I don’t love my girlfriends. I do. Fiercely. The bonds I share with the women in my life are sacred—layered with honesty, softness, truth-telling, deep care. They hold space for things that guys often… don’t. Or can’t. Or won’t.

But still, I keep finding myself surrounded by guys. And until recently, I didn’t question that much.

Now, I do.

Because the ease I used to feel? It’s started to morph into something heavier. I’ve started to notice what I didn’t before—because I didn’t have the language or maybe the clarity to name it. I didn’t notice how much I was tolerating. How much I was excusing. How much I was shrinking myself to keep the peace or stay “cool” or not make things awkward.

When you’re the only girl, and the guys feel safe enough to really talk around you, you start to hear it all. The jokes. The comments. The assumptions. The way they talk about women when they think no one is holding them accountable. And sometimes it’s subtle—like a breeze that leaves a bruise you don’t notice until later. Other times it’s just blatant. Disrespectful. Gross. Dehumanizing.

But you laugh.
Or you don’t say anything.
Or you say it softly, with a little “haha” at the end so it doesn’t feel like you’re that girl—you know, the buzzkill feminist.

And here’s the thing: lately, I have been that girl. I’ve started calling them out. Naming it. Saying, “Hey, that’s not okay,” or “You don’t get to talk about women like that,” or “This isn’t funny.” And the backlash? It’s real. The pushback is intense. I get told to stop. They flat out deny it. Or laugh louder. Or say I’m ruining the vibe. They hate you for breaking the illusion. They hate you for not playing along.

And here’s the real gut punch: even when they respect you, you’re not exempt from the way they treat women. Because that’s the system. That’s patriarchy. You might be the “cool girl” to them, the one who’s “not like other girls,” but you’re still a girl. And eventually, you’ll feel it.

It also wasn’t until just this past year—after several people finally said it out loud to me, and I finally let myself believe it—that I realized something else: most of these guys wouldn’t have even tried to be friends with me if they didn’t find me attractive. And that truth? That wrecked me. Because it’s like, wait—so we’re not even really friends? You’re just sticking around because I’m pretty enough to look at?

It makes me question everything.

It makes me question every friendship I thought was real.
It makes me scared to just be myself—bubbly, kind, open, warm—around new guys, because what if they’re not seeing me, they’re just seeing someone they want something from?
What if they’re not even listening, they’re just waiting for a moment to turn friendship into something else?

That fear lives in me now. And I hate it. Because that warmth and friendliness? That’s just who I am. I like people. I love making new friends. I believe in being real and showing up fully. But now it feels dangerous.

I think I used to believe that if I could just be one of them—blend in, adapt, understand their world—I’d be safer. Or maybe even more powerful. I didn’t realize that sometimes, being the only girl in the group just means being the only one absorbing the full emotional weight of everything said and unsaid.

I’m tired of laughing things off. Of translating misogyny into banter. Of pretending it doesn’t hurt when they talk about women like objects and then look at me like I should be grateful they “respect me.”

There’s a toxicity that builds up—not always loud, not always cruel, but heavy. Quiet. Constant. And I’ve finally started to feel it in my bones.

I don’t have all the answers. I’m not saying I’m done having guy friends. But I’m also not going to keep pretending that being surrounded by men doesn’t come with its own kind of cost. I want my friendships to be honest. Accountable. Kind. And that includes calling shit out, not just keeping the peace.Because I deserve to be seen.
Not just accepted.
Not just “tolerated because I’m hot.”
Seen. For real.

friendship, gender dynamics, feminism, emotional labor, patriarchy, neurodivergence, authenticity

The Holy Spirit Wore White Pants


A sacred little snapshot of sunshine, cats, and casual prayer


The Holy Spirit Wore White Pants

a poem about joy, memory, and the holiness of everyday moments


Singing Sun

Singing sun skipping—
seriously, happily—while I sing
along with birds who chirp my song.
Not a single cloud in the sky.

Wearing white,
multi-pocketed pants,
striking random yoga poses
when it feels good to—
hopefully, no grass stains!

Kids laugh, play, live, love.
Cats chase bugs and pee outside.
My number one sidekick,
black kitty-cat Frodo,
has never smiled so wide.

Baby Sprinter lies
beside me
on this pink and gold sparkly blanket.
He helps me read and write
every wild thing I wonder.

The Pacers play soon.
It’s Friday.
66°, 7:38 PM—
so savory, so soft…
mind, hold this memory
forever and ever—
Amen.

In the name of the mother’s (day),
daughters,
and the holy spirit—
amen, amen, amen.

A woman smiles at the camera with a black cat beside her, sitting on a blanket in a grassy area during sunny weather.
A black cat walking on green grass in a backyard, with a blurred laptop in the foreground and a white fence in the background.

💬 Closing Note:

Some days don’t ask to be remembered—they demand it. This was one of those. Thanks for reading.

From Storytelling to Stereotypes: Why Modern Country Music Feels Like a Crime Against the Art of Music

No offense (really), but today’s country music? It’s painful.

Not just “not my taste” kind of painful — I’m talking ear-splitting, soul-numbing, makes-me-want-to-crawl-out-of-my-skin kind of painful. It doesn’t just put me in a bad mood. It makes me feel dumber, sadder, overstimulated and undernourished all at once. As someone who deeply loves music — who feels music in my bones when it’s good — the current state of country feels like a betrayal. A betrayal to storytelling. To artistry. To intelligence. To feeling anything real.

Let me be clear: this isn’t about people who genuinely enjoy the genre. I don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum. But it is about calling out the ways the genre has devolved into a cartoon version of itself — one truck, one six-pack, one painfully auto-tuned Southern accent at a time.


The Rise of Bro-Country and the Fall of Substance

You want to know when things started going off the rails? Sometime in the early 2000s, country music got hijacked by what’s now lovingly (read: sarcastically) referred to as “bro-country.” Suddenly, country songs weren’t about complex characters, working-class struggles, heartache, or even the land itself. They were about tailgates, Daisy Dukes, solo cups, and bland male vocalists who all sounded like they were imitating each other doing bad karaoke at a frat party.

“Bro-country” isn’t just boring — it’s formulaic, repetitive, and soulless. It’s like the musical equivalent of microwaving the same frozen dinner every night and calling yourself a chef. These songs often feel like they were written by algorithm: insert truck, beer, girl, river, boots, repeat. And hey — that might sell. But it sure as hell doesn’t move me.


Where Did the Storytelling Go?

Country music used to be poetry.
Johnny Cash told you who he was in a single line.
Dolly Parton could bring you to tears with a single verse.
Loretta Lynn wrote the feminist anthems before the world even had language for it.

These weren’t just songs — they were stories. And now? We get rhyming slogans written by ten dudes in a Nashville boardroom. It’s not even bad in an interesting way. It’s lazy. It’s safe. It’s watered down.

And I can’t help but feel that when music doesn’t ask you to think — when it’s designed to bypass your brain and feed you clichés — that’s not just bad songwriting. That’s disrespectful. To the craft. To the audience. To the entire concept of music as emotional language.


A Sound That’s All the Same

I swear if I hear one more song with that exact same snare drum loop and fake twangy vocal fry, I might actually implode.

Country music today doesn’t just lack lyrical depth — it sounds monotonous. Gone are the banjos, the fiddles, the steel guitars that once made country sound like its own world. Instead, the genre’s been dipped in the overproduced sheen of pop radio. Everything polished, nothing raw.

It’s like musical gentrification: all the rough edges that made it interesting have been sanded down to sell to a broader audience that might not actually care about country — they just want a good beat and something vaguely Southern-sounding to play on a boat.


The Sad Songs Aren’t Even Good at Being Sad

Now let’s talk about the “emotional” side of modern country — the slow, “heartfelt” ballads that are supposed to tug at your soul. Spoiler: they don’t. Not only are the lyrics often just as shallow and predictable as the party songs, but the music behind them feels emotionally manipulative without any real artistry.

You know the ones: soft acoustic strumming, some forced gravel in the voice, vague lines about heartbreak, and maybe a reference to heaven or mama thrown in for good measure.

I don’t even get sad listening to them — I just feel rage. Because it’s like watching someone try to fake cry in a movie and doing it badly. These songs try so hard to be “deep,” but they’re phoned in and formulaic, which somehow makes them even more infuriating than the party tracks. It’s not cathartic. It’s just draining.

And yet, I’ve noticed something: they do affect people. Not in a healing way, but in a subtle, erosive way. You put on one of these slow country songs and suddenly the energy in the room shifts — everyone slumps a little. It’s like emotional fog.

Even if the lyrics aren’t strong, the somber tone has this nervous system-dulling effect that can quietly drag people down. It’s low-vibration, low-creativity sadness — not the kind that helps you cry it out and move forward, but the kind that just leaves you feeling heavy, blank, stuck. And when people listen to this kind of music constantly? I honestly think it wears on them. It’s like a background drone of mediocrity and melancholy that starts shaping their mood, their energy, even their worldview. That’s not just bad music. That’s dangerous.


The Gatekeeping of Mediocrity

Part of what makes this all even more frustrating is who gets pushed to the top. The country charts are still overwhelmingly white, overwhelmingly male, and overwhelmingly bland. Women like Mickey Guyton or Brittney Spencer, or queer artists like Orville Peck, get ignored or sidelined while mediocre bros with three first names and zero lyrical imagination climb to number one.

Why? Because the mainstream machine doesn’t want country music that challenges. It wants songs that reassure listeners their small-town worldview is the only one worth singing about. And that’s not just boring — it’s dangerous. It breeds cultural isolation and rewards mediocrity, while actively pushing away innovation.


There’s Hope — But You Have to Dig for It

Here’s the thing: I know there’s still good country music out there. I’ve heard it. Sometimes it’s buried deep in the indie scene. Sometimes it comes from artists reclaiming the genre — like Beyoncé just did with Cowboy Carter, unapologetically Black and country as hell. Sometimes it sneaks through in the cracks, in a heartbreak song that slipped past the system.

But that’s not what gets played at the gas station, or blasted from trucks at red lights, or shoved down your throat at every public event. No, what we get is the same four songs recycled endlessly until your brain feels like wallpaper paste.


In Conclusion (and with Love): Do Better, Country Music

I don’t hate country music.
I hate what it’s become.

I want to be moved. I want to be challenged. I want songs that feel like real people wrote them — not marketing teams. Music should be an art form — not background noise made for beer commercials.

So if you love country, I’m happy for you — truly. But if you, like me, hear it and want to scream into the nearest bale of hay, just know: you’re not alone. And maybe, just maybe, if we get loud enough, we can demand better music from a genre that used to mean something.


Style and Identity: Proving You Exist Through Self-Expression

A person standing in a room wearing a colorful floral coat over a black dress, with one foot slightly forward, and a relaxed expression, amidst a messy background with clothing and furniture.
A person wearing a Notre Dame hoodie and a black plaid skirt, standing in a cozy room with plants and colorful decor.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the ways we leave pieces of ourselves behind, almost like traces in the sand. It’s something I’ve noticed in the way we express ourselves through fashion: it’s not just about clothes, but about who we are, how we show up in the world, and how we make our mark.

For me, fashion has always been a powerful form of self-expression. It’s not about following trends or conforming to someone else’s vision of what looks good. It’s about making choices that reflect you—whether that’s through bold colors, unique silhouettes, or even something as simple as how you mix pieces that feel like you.

Fashion as a Reflection of Identity
What I’ve realized is that fashion isn’t just about looking good; it’s about feeling good in what you wear. It’s about how our clothes can be a direct extension of our identity, a mirror of our values, beliefs, and the way we want to be seen. When you wear something that aligns with who you are—whether it’s vintage, edgy, minimalist, or maximalist—it can spark a connection to your deeper self, and that’s when style becomes something far more profound. It becomes a way to prove you exist.

A person standing in a living room, smiling and posing with one leg raised, wearing a black long-sleeve top and light blue jeans, paired with leopard-print flats. The background includes plants, a cozy chair, and a decorative wall hanging.

The Link Between Fashion and Self-Worth
Fashion and self-worth are intertwined in a way that’s often underestimated. We live in a world where external validation often plays a large role in how we see ourselves. But I think fashion has the potential to flip that script. When we choose clothing that represents our unique preferences, our personalities, and our essence, we start to own our worth.

It’s not about dressing to please others; it’s about wearing what feels right for you—even when that means breaking the rules or ignoring what’s deemed “fashionable.” Self-expression through fashion allows us to take back control, to show the world exactly who we are without needing permission. And that, in turn, reinforces our sense of self-worth. When we express ourselves authentically, we declare that we matter—just as we are.

A person taking a mirror selfie, wearing a white long-sleeve top and denim overalls, in a room with various personal items and decor.

Authenticity Through Style
At the heart of it all, fashion is a tool for authenticity. It’s a way to speak without words, to wear your story and your truth. We don’t need to constantly shout about who we are—our clothing can quietly tell the world. Whether we wear our favorite band tee or a vintage dress, whether we favor comfort over formality or boldness over neutrality, we’re expressing ourselves, asserting our place, and making a statement that we exist, and we deserve to be here.

In the end, fashion is not a surface-level choice. It’s an internal process that reflects how we feel about ourselves. When we make intentional choices about what we wear—choices that feel true to who we are—we assert our identity and let the world know that we have a presence that’s worth recognizing.

We don’t need to be loud or flashy to prove we exist. Sometimes, the simplest outfit can be the loudest declaration of all: Here I am.

A person standing in a room, wearing a shiny gold top, a pink vest, and patterned flared jeans, smiling and posing confidently in front of a mirror.

🧠 Unmasking, One Moment at a Time

Part of the “Unmasking, One Post at a Time” series

Content Note:
This post explores masking, self-awareness, and the quiet moments of learning to be real. If you’re currently in a hard place with identity or self-acceptance, please take care while reading.


I used to think unmasking would be one big, dramatic moment.

Like a grand reveal. A breaking point. A phoenix rising.
And sometimes, it is.

But most days?
It’s much quieter than that.

It’s not wearing makeup when I don’t want to.
It’s asking, “Can you say that more directly?” instead of pretending I understood.
It’s sitting how I actually want to sit, even if it looks “weird.”
It’s saying no to a hangout, not because I’m busy—but because I don’t want to go.
It’s admitting I need more time, or quiet, or clarity.
It’s not faking a laugh when I didn’t get the joke.
It’s pausing.
It’s stimming.
It’s choosing softness instead of performance.


I still mask.

Let’s be clear—I still do it.
Because this world isn’t always safe for neurodivergent folks.
Because unmasking doesn’t mean suddenly being “free”—
It means slowly, carefully learning which parts of yourself deserve protection and which ones are finally safe to let out.

The mask slips off in layers.

Sometimes it clings.
Sometimes I peel it off only to reach for it again five minutes later.
But other times—I forget I even had it on.

And those are the best moments.


📝 Poem: I Didn’t Mean to Wear It

I didn’t mean to wear it—
the smile, the nod, the soft yes
when my body said no.
It’s stitched into me sometimes,
automatic,
like muscle memory.

But today—
I caught it halfway on.
I paused.
And let the silence speak
instead of the mask.

That’s a win.
That’s a whisper of healing.
That’s me.


🪞 A Memory

A few days ago, I was at the grocery store and someone I vaguely knew from high school waved.
She asked how I was.
And I almost did it.
The default: “Great!” with a grin, head tilt, eyes wide.

But instead, I shrugged a little.
“Honestly? Been better. But I’m okay.”
And just like that, the interaction felt human. Not scripted.
She smiled back—genuinely.
We didn’t force a conversation.
We just… existed next to each other for a moment.
And that felt good. Real.


This week, I noticed I didn’t fake a smile in a conversation where I used to.

I didn’t force small talk.
I didn’t interrupt myself with apologies.
I caught myself, and I let myself stay real.
Not perfect. Just real.

And that’s enough for now.


🌀 Reflection Questions:

  • What does unmasking look like for you right now?
  • Can you remember a moment this week where you were fully yourself, even just for a second?
  • What would it feel like to unmask just 5% more in one part of your day?

Tags:
#Unmasking #NeurodivergentLife #AutismAcceptance #BeingReal #SelfDiscovery #MentalHealth #MaskingAndUnmasking #EverydayCourage

📚 One Book, One Day: How ADHD Helped Me Focus Posted in: Living Neurodivergent | Tags: ADHD, Focus, Reading, Self-Kindness, Lessons in Chemistry

Video below!

Yesterday, I picked up Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus.
Today, I’m already on page 347.
And yes—I’ll probably finish it before the sun goes down.

People often misunderstand ADHD as an inability to focus. But really?
It’s more like I focus with intensity. On one thing. For a while. And then I crash or shift.

For me, hyperfocus isn’t a flaw—it’s a part of my brain’s rhythm.
Sometimes, I dive in so deep I lose track of time.
Sometimes, it’s a book.
Other times, it’s painting, writing, researching, rearranging my plants, or pacing around thinking about feminism and the public education system.
(Or all of the above.)

And that’s okay. I’m learning not to apologize for how my brain works.
Instead, I want to celebrate it. Today it let me live inside a book.

💬 Watch this quick video where I reflect on what ADHD focus really feels like for me.

🧠 Reflection prompt:
When was the last time you got completely lost in something—in the best way?

This Was Never Supposed To Be A Blog

I didn’t set out to start a blog.
I didn’t even set out to “be a writer.”
I just needed a place to survive.

For most of the past year, I was holding myself together with painting, poetry, long walks, and a lot of hope I wasn’t sure I even believed in.
Healing was slow and messy.
It still is.

Then about a month ago, something cracked open in me.
Kind of like that scene in Forrest Gump — he just starts running one day and doesn’t stop.
That’s what happened to me.
Except instead of running across America, I started writing.
And I couldn’t stop.

I started writing memoirs about my life — the real, raw parts of growing up autistic and neurodivergent and not knowing it.
I started writing fictional stories where the main characters were like me — neurodivergent women who didn’t have to apologize for being different.

At first, I wasn’t thinking about anyone else reading it.
I wasn’t trying to be brave.
I was trying to stay alive.

Most of what I’ve written still isn’t on this blog.
It lives in notebooks, Word docs, saved drafts.
It lives inside of me.

But somewhere along the way — after sharing bits and pieces with my family and a few close friends — my mom looked at me and said, “I think you should share this. It’s important.”

And for once, I believed her.

Because here’s what I’ve realized:
People are going to judge me and misunderstand me no matter what.
Especially because I’m neurodivergent.
Especially because I move through the world differently.

For most of my life, I thought if I just stayed small enough, quiet enough, “normal” enough, I could avoid that pain.
Spoiler alert: it didn’t work.
They judged me anyway.
They misunderstood me anyway.
And I just stayed silent and let it eat me alive from the inside.

I’m not doing that anymore.

This blog is me taking my voice back.
It’s me standing up and saying:
If you’re going to misunderstand me, fine — but it won’t be because I hid.
It won’t be because I stayed silent.
It won’t be because I let fear win.

Sharing my writing started as an act of survival.
Now it’s also an act of rebellion.
It’s an act of love — for myself, for my community, for anyone who’s ever been made to feel like their voice doesn’t matter.

The beautiful part?
The surprise I didn’t even see coming?
My words have actually helped people.
They’ve made people feel seen.
They’ve made people cry, and laugh, and think.
And that’s all I’ve ever wanted:
To make the world a little softer.
A little freer.
A little more human.

I also realized I can’t just tell my story without telling the bigger story too.
Neurodiversity matters.
Representation matters.
Advocacy matters.

Most people don’t even know what “neurodivergent” means.
Most people have a cartoon version of autism or ADHD in their heads that hurts real people every single day.
And I’m tired of being silent about that too.

This blog is my small way of pushing back against a world that doesn’t want to listen —
and creating a new space where maybe, just maybe, someone will.

It’s also about education.
It’s about fighting for teachers, students, and schools that are being crushed under systems that don’t care about them.
I left teaching as a career because it was killing me — but I didn’t leave it as a passion.
And now that I’m standing on the outside, breathing again, I feel like it’s my responsibility to use whatever strength I have left to fight for the people still inside.

Education is a human right.
Neurodivergent people deserve to be understood, not “fixed.”
Mental health isn’t optional.
Workers deserve better than barely surviving in broken systems.
Women deserve autonomy over their bodies and their lives.
We all deserve better.

This blog isn’t big.
It’s not loud.
But it’s mine.
And it’s honest.
And it’s full of heart.

If it helps even one person feel seen —
if it plants even one seed for change —
then it’s worth it.

Thank you for being here.
Thank you for reading.
Thank you for listening.

I’m just getting started. 💛

👉 If you’re new here, feel free to explore my essays, reflections, and stories. I’m so grateful you’re here. 🌼