Everyone Else Is Already Taken

A joyful bride wearing a lace wedding dress and veil, smiling brightly in a well-lit room with a plush white carpet and elegant decor.
A person taking a selfie in front of a portrait of a man wearing sunglasses, with animated flames at the edges of the image.
When I worked receptionist at the Levin Papantonio Law firm.

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” — Oscar Wilde

Easier said than done, right?

Honestly, though, I’ve always been pretty good at being myself. It’s one of the things people tend to compliment me on—my honesty, my quirks, the way I just kind of am who I am. No frills. No fake. Just me.

But being yourself only really works when you feel safe to do it. When the space around you doesn’t shrink or tighten every time you say something a little “too much” or move a little “too weird.” And unfortunately, not every space is like that. Some rooms are full of people who want you to shrink. Some rooms are full of people who only love the idea of you—until you act like yourself and it gets too real for them.

So yeah, I’ve had to mask. A lot. That’s what happens when you’re autistic in a world built for non-autistic people. I can’t just walk into every room and drop my full weirdness on the table like a deck of wild Uno cards. Especially not around people I don’t know well. There’s always that calculating moment—how much of me can I show here? Is it safe to be this honest? Will I be misunderstood again?

Spoiler alert: if I feel like I have to do that kind of math every time I open my mouth, I’m not going to stay in that space for long.


The People Who Tried to Change Me (And Why That Never Works)

I’ve had people try to change me. People who thought they were helping, maybe—like they had some kind of personality blueprint I was supposed to follow. But every time that’s happened, it’s been a disaster. For them, for me, for the relationship. It never lasts long, thank god.

There was a teacher I worked with at Warrington who really wanted me to act like her. She had this hardened, sarcastic, zero-fucks kind of vibe about everything and everyone. She handled stress with biting comments and eye rolls and expected me to do the same. But that just… wasn’t me. I cared too much. I felt everything. I couldn’t shut off my heart the way she could, and I didn’t want to. But teaching was so goddamn hard at Warrington, and I needed support, and for a while I tried to keep that friendship going—even though it chipped away at me.

When I inevitably did act like myself (because I can’t not be me for very long), she and another teacher would basically make fun of me. I don’t think they thought they were being mean, but it was that kind of snide judgment masked as “joking” that still stings. So I tried to find some middle ground, some version of myself they wouldn’t laugh at. That was even worse. It felt like holding in a sneeze that wanted to be a full-body earthquake. It was awful.

And then there was Panama City.

I went on a trip with two girlfriends who were, in a word, not my people. Negative energy central. They wanted me to act like them, like the things they liked, dress how they dressed, react to the world the way they did. Spoiler alert: it didn’t go well. I was miserable the entire time. So miserable, in fact, that I got absolutely obliterated one night and ended up peeing on the cement in the pool area while still in my bathing suit. I mean—was it classy? No. But was I the first person to ever do something like that in Panama City? Also no. Not even close. That whole city is one giant Spring Break-induced fever dream.

But of course, they judged me hard for it. They acted like I’d personally disgraced them in the town square. It was ridiculous. Honestly, if they’d just laughed with me and moved on, it would’ve been fine. But they weren’t those kind of people. And I wasn’t ever going to be their kind of person, no matter how hard I tried.


On My Best Days, I Sparkle

On my best days—the days I actually feel safe to be myself—I sparkle. Not literally (actually yes literally…I use glitter when I’m doing my art a lot and so there’s kind of always glitter on me and around me hehe), but in that way where people notice me because I’m glowing from the inside out.

I’m goofy. I’m bubbly. I’m singing nonsense songs I just made up two seconds ago. I talk out loud constantly—not always to anyone in particular, just because my brain is narrating or wondering or cracking jokes or making connections in real time. I smile at strangers. I compliment people’s shoes or hair or earrings just because I feel like it. I am, in a word, alive.

And I’m wearing the perfect outfit. That’s important. I’ve carefully curated it—not to impress anyone, but because it feels like me. It fits right, it moves right, and it says what I want to say without me needing to speak. Clothes, for me, are another language. And when I’m speaking it fluently, I feel powerful.

People sometimes assume that because I’m autistic, I must be shy or closed off or awkward all the time. And sure, sometimes I am awkward. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed or burnt out or need to disappear for a bit. But when I’m at my best, when the world isn’t trying to mute me or shove me into someone else’s mold, I am social, warm, and just so damn friendly. The kind of person who makes people feel like they matter, because I really do think they do.

And that’s who I really am. Not the quiet version. Not the masked version. Just me, in full technicolor.


It’s Not Always Easy, But It’s Always Worth It

Being yourself sounds like it should be the easiest thing in the world. But honestly? Sometimes it’s the hardest.

Because not every space welcomes you. Not every person knows what to do with someone who sings made-up songs and talks to herself in the cereal aisle. Not everyone appreciates outfits that were built to make you feel powerful instead of palatable. Some people want you to shrink, to be quieter, to tone it down.

And sometimes—especially when you’re neurodivergent—being yourself means constantly deciding how much of you the world can handle that day. It means carrying the weight of other people’s discomfort like it’s somehow your responsibility. It means holding your breath in rooms where you’re not sure if you’re “too much” or “not enough.”

But here’s the thing: every single time I’ve pushed through that fog and chosen to just be me, it’s been worth it. Maybe not in the moment. Maybe not in front of the wrong people. But in the long run? Every time I’ve honored who I am, even when it was messy or loud or vulnerable, it brought me closer to the kind of life I actually want.

The kind of life where I don’t have to perform.
Where my weirdness isn’t just tolerated—it’s celebrated.
Where I don’t have to trade authenticity for acceptance.
Where the right people find me because I’m being real, not because I’m being convenient.

So yeah. Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken. And frankly? You’re way too interesting to be anyone else anyway.

A person stands in front of a mirror, smiling and striking a playful pose. They are wearing a chic plaid blazer over a black top, paired with vibrant orange polka dot pants and black ankle boots. A colorful bag hangs across their body.
Making an outfit is oh so fun!
A person holding a large bunch of white and pink flowers while standing outdoors on a cloudy day.
FLOWERS AND RAINY DAYS!

Burnout as a Lifestyle (Professionally Confused Since 1992)

A group of elementary school students gathered around tables in a classroom, with a teacher standing and holding a folder, engaged in an interactive activity.

“Burnout as a Lifestyle”
 An essay from Professionally Confused Since 1992 — Entry Three

Things That Have Burned Me Out, In No Particular Order:

  • Student teaching. And then actual teaching. And then quitting. And then going back. And then quitting again.
  • Staying late at school to make the classroom feel like a home, only to be told by administration that I needed to improve my “time management.”
  • Getting COVID and teaching through it. Teaching during BLM. Teaching after Hurricane Sally. Teaching during everything and nothing.
  • Working in schools where we were told to make magic out of trauma. Where we were told to teach kids how to regulate before they’d even been given enough food or safety or sleep.
  • Helping other people regulate their nervous systems while mine was on fire.
  • Every single professional development session about “self-care” while being given fewer resources and more students.
  • Learning to love my students deeply and having to say goodbye over and over again.
  • Law firms that said “we’re like a family” and then made me talk to 90 people a day while smiling through panic attacks.
  • Being autistic and masking for so long I forgot what I actually wanted and who I was doing all this for.
  • Pretending to be okay so convincingly that no one noticed when I wasn’t.

Burnout doesn’t always look like collapse.
Sometimes it looks like showing up every day with a smile you carved out of your own skin.
Sometimes it looks like organizing the fridge while dissociating.
Sometimes it looks like daydreaming about an illness just bad enough to force a pause.

You don’t just have burnout.
You become it.
You become the shell that keeps moving. The autopilot. The expert in pretending.


The Aftermath

  • The emptiness after quitting. The way silence hums louder when you’re no longer useful to someone else.
  • Staring at walls, wondering who I am without a job to orbit around. Without a crisis to manage. Without a fire to throw myself into.
  • People asking, “So what’s next?” like I didn’t just crawl out of a burning building.
  • The shame spiral of rest. Of stillness. Of needing time and not being able to earn it.
  • Trying to “get better” fast enough to make the burnout worth it. To justify the collapse.
  • Grieving the person I had to be to survive. And also grieving the people who still expect me to be her.
  • Losing access to joy because everything feels like it could become a job again if I’m not careful.
  • Forgetting what it feels like to want something. Not just tolerate it. Not just endure it. Want it.

The aftermath is quiet, but it isn’t peaceful.
It’s disorienting.
Like waking up in a stranger’s house with no memory of how you got there.
Like realizing you’ve been surviving on emergency mode for years, and now you can’t remember your own favorite color.


Recovery isn’t a glow-up.
It’s crying because you finally feel safe enough to feel anything.
It’s staring at a blank calendar and feeling your nervous system twitch with withdrawal.
It’s learning to rest without bargaining.
It’s mourning all the years you pushed through instead of pausing.


But here’s what I know now:

Burnout is not a personal failure.
It’s not a weakness.
It’s not proof that you weren’t strong enough.

It’s the body’s last attempt at protection.
It’s your spirit throwing a wrench into the machine.
It’s your soul saying: This is not sustainable. This is not love. This is not life.


So no, I don’t have a five-year plan.
I don’t know what my next job title will be.
But I do know I don’t want to live a life that requires me to be exhausted in order to feel valuable.

I want to live slowly.
I want to rest without guilt.
I want softness without scarcity.
I want joy that isn’t mined from pain.

Maybe I won’t have a resume that makes sense.
Maybe I’ll never climb a ladder.
But I’m learning that surviving isn’t the same as living.
And I’m tired of surviving.

I want to build a life where I don’t have to burn out to belong.
Where I am allowed to be whole, even if I’m not productive.
Where warmth isn’t a job requirement—it’s just who I am, freely given, finally kept.

A classroom scene with several children raising their hands, and a teacher standing at the front. The room is decorated with educational materials, and an American flag is visible in the background.

“Time Traveler’s Mixtape: The Adventures of Kayla and Frodo”

Chapter One: Don’t Touch Dad’s Shit (Oops)

They say curiosity killed the cat.
Well, Frodo’s still alive and I’m still nosy, so I think that saying is full of crap.

It started the way most trouble starts: I got bored. Like, really bored. Like, “I already played with all my LEGOs, chewed three pencils, reorganized my rock collection by shininess, and scared my neighbor by barking at him like a dog kind of bored.

So I did the one thing I’m not supposed to do.

I went into Dad’s garage.

It’s not even a normal garage. It’s a weird haunted junk cave filled with spiderwebs, old coffee mugs with scary stains, and stuff that smells like history and farts. There’s a big sign on the door that says DO NOT ENTER and another one that says KAYLA I MEAN IT in Sharpie.

But Frodo gave me that look—you know, the “do it, you coward” look that only black cats can pull off without saying a word.

So I did.

Inside, it was dark and echoey and smelled like secrets. I tripped over a bowling trophy, almost got murdered by a falling rake, and then—bam. I saw it.

The guitar.

It was stuck behind a bunch of dusty boxes and covered in cobwebs, but I swear it was glowing a little. Like it had a soul or something. It wasn’t a normal glow either—it shimmered like oil in a puddle or a holographic Pokémon card.

And when I touched it?

ZAP.

Static shot through my fingers and my hair poofed up like a freaking poodle. Frodo yowled. Somewhere, a car alarm went off. I swear I heard a whisper say, “Play me.”

So I did what any totally rational, definitely mature seven-year-old would do:

I flipped off the garage, grabbed the guitar, and yelled, “Screw it!”

Then I strummed.

And time broke

Chapter Two: Mick Freaking Jagger (and Other Problems)

Have you ever been thrown through a tornado made of glitter, lightning bolts, and screaming?

Because that’s what time travel feels like.

One second I was in Dad’s garage, clinging to a cursed guitar and wondering if I’d just peed a little. The next second, I was falling—falling—through what looked like a lava lamp from outer space. Frodo was somewhere behind me, yowling like he’d just seen a vacuum.

Then—THUD.

I landed face-first in someone’s armpit.

“Oi! What the bloody hell?” a British voice shouted.

I scrambled up, covered in sweat that wasn’t mine. People were running around, tuning guitars, yelling about microphones, and passing joints like they were snacks. I looked down and realized I was standing in the middle of a dressing room—leather pants, leopard print coats, and enough hair product to start a fire.

Then I saw him.

Mick. Freaking. Jagger.

He was shirtless. He was strutting in place like he’d been born dancing. He had the swagger of someone who’s never been told to sit still a single day in his life.

And I—Kayla Sue Whatever-My-Middle-Name-Is—just stood there with a glowing guitar, my cat, and a face full of holy crap.

“Who brought the tiny goblin?” asked a guy with a bass and incredible cheekbones.

“I’m not a goblin,” I said. “I’m seven.”

“Right,” Mick said, squinting. “Is she part of the stage act?”

I opened my mouth to explain—or scream—when Frodo launched off a table and knocked over a stack of vinyl records. Everyone jumped like it was a bomb.

“Frodo, no!” I yelled. “You can’t break history!”

Too late.

A record hit the floor and started spinning. I swear the guitar vibrated in my hands, and then—just like that—the room dissolved. The air twisted. My toes buzzed. Mick Jagger’s beautiful lips screamed something I couldn’t hear—

And I was gone.

.Chapter Two (continued): Goblin Girl Meets Rock Gods

“Wait—don’t go!” I shouted at the universe, but the time-vortex-whatever paused just long enough for me to not be sucked away.

Mick Jagger stared at me like I was an alien, which—fair, honestly. I was a small child holding a glowing guitar, standing in his dressing room like I belonged there.

“I swear I’m not here to murder you or whatever,” I said quickly, trying to sound chill. “This guitar made me time travel. It’s Frodo’s fault.”

Frodo licked his paw and blinked like, You dragged me into this, lady.

The other band members stared at me, but Mick leaned in close. Not threatening, just… curious. His voice dropped into something calm and sharp, like he was tuning into a weird frequency only I gave off.

“You alright, love? You don’t look from ‘round here.”

“I’m not,” I said. “I’m from the future. And Indiana.”

Keith Richards muttered something like, “We’ve done worse,” and lit a cigarette.

I clutched the guitar tighter. “You’re, like… legends. You’re gonna be huge. I mean, you already are, but it’s gonna get insane. Tattoos-of-your-face level insane.”

Mick grinned. “Flattery’ll get you places.”

“I don’t care about flattery,” I said. “I just—”
I paused. Because the truth was poking at me like a splinter. “I don’t fit in at home. Not even close. But here, with this guitar, I feel like maybe I do. At least a little.”

There was a silence. Not awkward. Just thick. Like something heavy and old and magic had passed through the room.

Mick looked at me and said, softer this time, “Being different’s not the problem, darling. It’s the world that gets itchy when someone doesn’t match the wallpaper.”

I stared at him.

“You’ll be alright,” he added. “Just keep playing.”

And then—because the universe is rude—the record finally hit the ground, let out a crackling sound, and everything shimmered again.

“Wait!” I shouted. “Can I come back? Like—later?”

“Sure,” Mick called, already blurry. “We’ll be here.”

“2022!” I yelled as the colors wrapped around me again. “Don’t die before then!”

Keith cackled and yelled, “We’ve tried!”

And then—whoosh.
The world broke again

🎙️ Interlude 1 – After the Rolling Stones

We landed on a rooftop.

Not in a cool superhero way. More like I tripped over air and Frodo crash-landed in a pile of laundry. Which is weird, because who leaves laundry on a roof?

The London sky was the color of cold toast. A breeze smelled like rain and cigarette smoke and old songs.

I sat on the edge, kicking my feet and holding the guitar like it was a nervous pet. Frodo hopped up beside me and flopped down with a sigh.

“You ever feel like the world’s too loud and too quiet at the same time?” I asked.

Frodo blinked.

“Like everyone else has the script, and you’re just ad-libbing your whole life?”

He licked his paw.

“I think Mick Jagger might be my new therapist.”

Frodo stretched and yawned like, You’re not wrong.

I leaned back on my elbows. “He told me rebellion isn’t a bad thing. That not matching the wallpaper might be the point.”

Frodo nudged my knee.

“Do I match anything?” I asked.

He purred and curled up in my lap like punctuation.

Maybe that was his way of saying: You don’t have to match. You’re the freaking color palette.

Chapter Three: Jazz, Jitterbugs, and One Very Confused Seven-Year-Old

When the time-tornado spit me out again, I didn’t land in someone’s armpit this time, which was a win.
But I did land in a trash can.

“OW! What the—FUDGE MUFFINS!”

(I was trying not to say the f-word anymore. I made it like… half a second.)

Frodo landed beside me with an elegant thump like, I told you this was a bad idea. He immediately started grooming himself like he hadn’t just quantum-leaped into a garbage pile.

I peeked out of the trash can.

It was nighttime, but everything glowed. Streetlamps hummed. People laughed and danced on the sidewalk in their sharp hats and shiny shoes. A trumpet wailed from inside a club down the street. The rhythm made my heart thump weird. Not scared—just… new. Electric.

A newspaper floated by in the breeze:
Harlem, New York – May 1927

Oh.

Ohhhh.

I was somewhere between jazz and Black excellence and forbidden poetry, and it was glorious.

I pulled myself out of the trash like the classy lady I am and marched toward the sound. The music tugged at the guitar like it was waking up again.

“Frodo,” I whispered, “I think this is where words dance.”

The club was called The Jungle Room. (Badass, right?) Inside, it smelled like cigars and something fried. A woman with gold earrings taller than my face snapped her fingers at me.

“No kids in here,” she said.

“I’m not a kid,” I said. “I’m a… historical observer with a cat.”

She squinted. “Your mama know you’re out time-travelin’, baby?”

“I don’t think my mom even knows what year I’m in.”

That made her laugh. “You wild. Fine. Just don’t touch nothin’ and stay near the back.”

Inside, the room vibrated. A trumpet player blew like his soul was on fire. A poet stood off to the side scribbling in a notebook like his hand was possessed. Everyone moved like the beat was the law.

I wanted to cry.

Not because I was sad. But because it was the first time I saw quiet people—people who maybe felt like me—explode into something loud without saying a word.
It made me believe in something. Not sure what. Just… something.

A woman in a velvet dress slid onto the piano bench and began to sing. Her voice filled the air like smoke and honey and grief.

“You’re not lost,” she said between songs, looking straight at me like she knew. “You’re just still writing your part.”

My heart cracked open like an egg.
And I whispered, “Damn.”

Frodo purred.

Chapter Three (continued): The Softest Kind of Loud

After the singer finished her set, the room shifted. The dancers slowed. The lights dimmed just a touch, like the building itself was exhaling.

I wandered toward the back, where the poet was still scribbling—tall, with round glasses and a jawline that meant business. He looked like he’d been born with ink in his veins.

I meant to sneak past, but my guitar let out a tiny hum. Just a little whrrrr, like it had something to say.

He looked up. “That your instrument, little miss?”

I nodded. “Kind of plays me, honestly.”

He chuckled and slid his notebook shut. “That’ll happen.”

I stared at him. “Your poems were cool.”

“‘Cool’ is not the word most folks use.”

“Well, I’m seven,” I said. “My vocabulary’s still cooking.”

He smiled, not like I was cute, but like I’d said something worth hearing. “What’d you hear in them?”

I shrugged. “You were mad, I think. But soft about it. Like… like you were yelling in cursive.”

His eyes widened a little.

“I didn’t know you could be mad like that,” I added. “Usually when I’m mad, it explodes out. Like BOOM! But you’re mad in a way that feels like… jazz.”

“Jazz is mad,” he said. “Mad that folks don’t listen, don’t see, don’t care. So it bends. It swings. It stomps with grace. Just like poetry. Just like you.”

I blinked. “Like me?”

He nodded. “You’re not loud. But you sure ain’t quiet either. You’re what I’d call a soft storm.

A soft storm.
That sat in my chest like a warm coal.

“Rebellion doesn’t always gotta be thunder,” he said, tapping his pen against his notebook. “Sometimes it’s a whisper that keeps showing up. A note you can’t un-hear. A girl in a trash can who refuses to disappear.”

I grinned. “You’re weird.”

“Takes one to know one,” he said.

Just then, Frodo started purring like an engine and the guitar buzzed again—time was pulling me forward.

I waved fast, like I’d been friends with him for years. “What’s your name?”

“Langston,” he said with a wink. “Now go write your part.”

And just like that—swirl, zap, BOOM—the club vanished, and I was spinning again, but not like before.

This time, I carried a new kind of beat inside me.

🎙️ Interlude 2 – After Harlem

We sat on a fire escape, still humming with jazz.

It wasn’t really a fire escape anymore. Time had already started pulling away, taking the club and the music with it. But somehow the air still carried saxophone smoke and perfume and truth.

I dangled my feet through the bars, staring out at a skyline that didn’t look like anything I’d seen in my life—but also kind of looked like me.

Frodo was curled up beside me, tail twitching like he was dreaming of piano keys.

“I think poems are spells,” I said, breaking the quiet.

He didn’t open his eyes, just flicked an ear.

“I mean—Langston didn’t yell or stomp or scream. But I still felt it in my guts, you know?”

Frodo yawned.

“Do you think I could write like that someday?”

He stretched and rested a paw on my guitar.

I traced the strings. “He said I was a soft storm.”

Frodo cracked one eye open. A long, cat stare.

“Do you think that’s a real thing?” I whispered. “A storm that doesn’t shout?”

He blinked.

And somehow, that was enough.

We sat there, suspended between centuries, between noise and silence. And for once, I didn’t feel like I had to fill the space.

I just was.

Me.
A little loud.
A little soft.
A little storm.

Chapter Four: Purple Thunder and Metal Mayhem

I didn’t land in a trash can this time.
I landed in a pile of wigs.

Pink, glittery, and stacked higher than my math scores. Frodo popped out of a curly silver one looking personally offended.

We were backstage again—this time in a place that smelled like hot hairspray, electric ambition, and something burning (possibly on purpose). Flashing lights buzzed overhead. People in platform boots and mesh shirts ran past me yelling things like, “Five minutes to wardrobe!” and “WHERE ARE THE PURPLE PANTS?!”

A poster on the wall caught my eye:
“PRINCE + METALLICA – DOUBLE BILL – FIRST AVENUE, 1982.”

My mouth fell open.

Frodo pawed at the stage curtain, and I peeked through the gap.

Prince stood in the center of the stage like the Earth spun for him. He wasn’t walking—he was gliding. His eyes were eyeliner lightning bolts. His outfit sparkled like a disco ball having a spiritual awakening.

The crowd screamed, and he didn’t flinch.

He just whispered into the mic:
“Dearly beloved…”

And then the bass dropped.

Across the stage, Metallica exploded into sound like a jet engine made of guitars. One of the speakers cracked. A guy headbanged so hard his sunglasses flew off.

I was stuck between smooth lightning and molten rage—and somehow it all worked.

I tried to sneak closer—obviously—when someone caught me by the collar.

“Kid, you can’t be—”

“She’s with me,” a voice said, smooth and sharp like silk wrapped around a blade.

I turned.

Prince.

Standing three feet away. Looking at me like I was a new chord he hadn’t tried yet.

“You’ve got time on your fingers,” he said, nodding at the guitar. “And a question in your eyes.”

“I just…” I looked toward the stage, where Metallica’s drummer was trying to fight his own kit. “I don’t get how any of this works. It’s all so different. So… much.”

Prince tilted his head. “Rebellion doesn’t have to match.”

I blinked. “But you’re calm. He’s… on fire.”

“That’s the point.” He walked to the edge of the curtain. “Metallica burns. I bleed. Both are true. Both are loud.”

I stood there like my brain had short-circuited.

“What about me?” I asked. “What if I’m just… noise?”

He smiled. Not a soft smile. A knowing, sharp one. “Then make it music.”

The lights surged. Prince stepped back on stage without looking back. Metallica tore into another song like they were mad at gravity.

Frodo looked up at me.
I looked down at the guitar.

And I whispered, “Time to play louder.”

🎙️ Interlude 3 – After Prince & Metallica

We found a quiet corner behind the amps.

Okay—“quiet” is a lie. One of Metallica’s guitar riffs was still echoing through my skull like a jackhammer playing hopscotch. But at least there weren’t any flying wigs or stage managers yelling about smoke machines.

Frodo hopped onto an overturned milk crate and started licking his shoulder like he hadn’t just witnessed musical whiplash.

I slumped beside him. “Okay. That was… a lot.”

He flicked an ear. Like, You think?

“Prince speaks in riddles. Metallica is a riddle. And I think I almost became deaf. In both ears. Emotionally.”

Frodo yawned.

I hugged my guitar to my chest. “He said rebellion doesn’t have to match. That burning and bleeding can both be loud.”

Frodo flopped into my lap like a purring mic drop.

“You ever feel like there’s too many versions of you?” I asked. “Like—sometimes I want to sparkle. And other times I want to scream. And then I just end up… sitting weird in a hoodie.”

He purred louder.

“I think I’m afraid people will pick the wrong one. The wrong version. And then expect her to show up every day.”

Frodo stretched until one paw touched my chin.

“You’re right,” I said. “Maybe I am all the versions.”

He looked up like, Finally.

“Okay, fine. I’ll be a glittery storm cloud with drumsticks.”

I gave him a forehead boop.

“Next time, you get onstage.”

He licked his paw and rolled over like, Not my tempo, kid.

Chapter Five: Flannel, Feelings, and Two Divas in a Denim Limo

I knew we were in the ’90s before we even landed.
The air smelled like teen spirit, hair gel, and emotional damage.

Frodo and I crash-landed in a pile of thrifted flannel shirts next to a vending machine that only sold Surge and weird vibes. My guitar buzzed with a low, moody hum, like it knew we were entering Sad Boi territory.

A poster on the wall read:
NIRVANA – MTV UNPLUGGED – SEATTLE, 1993

I exhaled slowly. “Okay. Deep breath. No glitter this time.”

Frodo nodded solemnly.

I crept into the venue and found a seat in the back. Everything was dim. Candles flickered onstage. Kurt Cobain sat in the middle like a storm pretending to be a person. His voice wasn’t loud. It was aching. Every lyric sounded like it had been stitched together with someone’s broken heart.

I didn’t cry.
I just felt… seen.

Not like a spotlight.
More like a mirror.


Later – Backstage

I found myself wandering near the green room, guitar still buzzing gently in my hands. I didn’t want to leave yet. I needed… something. I didn’t know what.

And then—because time is weird—I heard a Canadian accent say:
“That was heartbreaking, wasn’t it?”

I turned.

Shania Twain.

In leopard print. Holding a donut.

Next to her?

Celine Dion. Wearing sunglasses inside and sipping tea like she was on her way to save the emotional world.

“Oh my god,” I whispered. “Did I fall into a Canadian power ballad portal?”

Celine looked at me over her sunglasses. “You are very small.”

“I’m seven.”

“Explains the energy,” she said.

Shania squatted next to me. “You okay, kiddo?”

“I think Nirvana just stabbed me in the soul. In a good way. Is that normal?”

Shania nodded. “Happens to the best of us.”

I looked between them. “So… what is this? You guys don’t exactly scream ‘grunge.’”

Celine smiled. “We’re here because emotion is universal. Doesn’t matter if you scream it or sing it at full volume with seventeen backup violins.”

Shania handed me half her donut. “And don’t forget—rebellion doesn’t have to be sad. Sometimes it’s fun. Sometimes it’s rhinestones.”

“I thought being sad meant you were strong,” I said.

“It can,” Celine said. “So can surviving.”

“Or being really, really loud about loving yourself,” Shania added with a wink.

I nodded slowly, holding the donut like it was sacred. “I think I needed this.”

Celine gave me a tissue and said, “Drink some water. You’re full of feelings.”


Just then, Frodo jumped onto the vanity and the guitar began to glow again.

“Already?” I groaned. “I was just starting to emotionally unpack!”

Shania squeezed my shoulder. “Take the joy with you, too. It counts.”

Celine kissed the top of my head and whispered, “You are not too much.”

Then—flash, fuzz, WHOOSH

Time broke again.

But this time, I carried heart in one hand and grit in the other.

🎙️ Interlude 4 – After Nirvana, Shania, and Celine

It was raining when we landed.

Not like dramatic movie rain—more like soft drizzle. Gray skies. Rooftop puddles. The kind of rain that doesn’t even try to stop you. It just shows up and stays.

Frodo was already curled on an old blanket someone had left on a fire escape. He looked like a puddle with whiskers. I sat down next to him and pulled my knees up under my chin.

The guitar wasn’t buzzing. It was just… there. Quiet.

“I didn’t know you could feel this much and still be okay,” I whispered.

Frodo blinked up at me.

“I thought big feelings were dangerous. That if you didn’t shut them down, they’d… I don’t know. Break everything.”

He purred gently. Like a little engine of understanding.

“But Kurt—he felt everything. And he made it into music. And Shania? She’s like glitter glue. And Celine could probably cry an entire lake and still hit a high C.”

Frodo flicked his tail.

“I guess I just…” I paused. “I didn’t know it was allowed. To feel all of it. The joy and the ache.”

Frodo scooted closer until his head bumped against my side. I ran my fingers through his fur.

“I used to think I had to pick one thing. Be one thing. Happy or sad. Loud or quiet. Sharp or soft.”

I glanced up at the sky.

“But maybe I’m just both.”

Frodo yawned like, Obviously.

I leaned back against the brick wall and whispered, “Thanks for staying with me.”

He gave me a look like, Where else would I go, dummy?

And we just… sat.

Letting the rain fall.
Letting it feel okay to hurt and heal.

Chapter Six: Bubblegum Breakdown

We landed in a place that sparkled aggressively.

There were sequins everywhere—on jackets, boots, microphones, probably someone’s cereal. A giant poster behind me read:

“POP GALAXY TOUR – Britney, Christina, Mandy, Jessica – 2002”

“Oh no,” I whispered.

Frodo immediately ducked under a rolling makeup cart and gave me a look that said: Absolutely not.

I stood in the middle of a dressing room that looked like a glitter tornado had thrown up in it. Lip gloss tubes were scattered across a pink velvet couch. Someone had labeled their eyelash glue “DO NOT TOUCH” in very serious Sharpie.

There was a monitor showing the stage. Britney was performing.
She smiled so wide it looked painful.


Backstage

I wandered through the hallways, trying to stay out of the way. A backup dancer sprinted past me yelling, “SHE NEEDS A WARDROBE CHANGE IN TWENTY SECONDS OR SHE’S GOING TO EXPLODE.”

Frodo hissed. Possibly at the concept of time itself.

I ducked into a quieter side hallway where someone was sitting alone on the floor, still in costume. Glitter boots. Hair curled to perfection. Tears streaking down her face.

I froze. She looked older than me—but not by much. Maybe fifteen.

“Hey,” I said. “Are you okay?”

She jumped, wiped her face, and gave me a smile so fake I almost cried for her.

“I’m fine!” she chirped. “Just tired. It’s, like, a lot, you know?”

I sat next to her. “Yeah. I do know.”

She looked at me sideways. “You in the show?”

“I’m not even in this decade.”

“…what?”

“I’m time traveling. It’s a whole thing.”

She blinked. “Okay. Cool.”

We sat in silence.

She finally whispered, “I don’t even know who I am without the songs and the sparkles and the rules.”

I looked down at my guitar. It buzzed like it was listening.

“You’re still you under all that,” I said. “Even if it’s buried. Even if no one else sees her.”

Her eyes welled up again. “How do you know?”

“Because I’m weird and messy and feel too much, and people try to fix me all the time. But the people I’ve met on this trip? The ones who make real music? They don’t sparkle because they’re told to. They sparkle because they mean it.”

She let out a laugh—small and real this time. “You’re intense for a kid.”

“I contain multitudes.”

Frodo hopped onto her lap and started purring.

She scratched behind his ears. “Thank you,” she whispered. “For being the first person all day who didn’t ask me to be okay.”

Just then, the guitar buzzed harder. The air shimmered.

I stood up fast. “I gotta go.”

She looked up. “Will I see you again?”

“Probably not. But I hope you see yourself.

And then—pop, fizz, flash—the glitter turned to stardust.

And we were gone.

🎙️ Interlude 5 – After the Pop Machine

We landed behind a billboard that said SHIMMER HARDER in ten-foot bubble letters.

It was quiet back there. The kind of quiet that only shows up after a very loud lie.

I sat down in the dirt. Frodo flopped beside me with a grunt like even he was over it.

“That place was like… Disneyland if Disney ran on shame,” I muttered.

Frodo licked glitter off his paw like he was personally offended by sequins.

“She looked perfect,” I said. “The girl backstage. Every piece of her was flawless. Except the part that felt real.”

He blinked slowly.

“I used to think being good meant being good at stuff. At school. At pretending I wasn’t overwhelmed. At smiling even when my brain was on fire.”

Frodo rested his chin on my knee.

“But it’s not. Is it?”

He didn’t answer. He didn’t have to.

I leaned back and stared at the fake stars on the billboard blinking in patterns. “I don’t want to be shiny if it means being invisible underneath.

Frodo purred—a deep, low rumble that buzzed straight into my bones.

“I think the scariest thing,” I whispered, “is not being seen. Not for real. Like people clap for you, but they don’t know you. They only know the sparkle.”

He nudged my hand until I pet him. Slowly. Like the world wasn’t ending.

“I don’t want to be clapped for,” I said. “I just want to be held.

Frodo yawned. Like, That’s more than enough, kid.

And we sat there in the dirt behind the billboard, letting ourselves not shine.

Just exist.

No stage.
No makeup.
No performance.

Just me.
Just Frodo.
And finally, the sound of my own breathing being enough.

Chapter Seven: Beats, Bars, and the Sound of Resistance

I landed in a crowd.

Not a quiet one. Not a chill one. This was a march. People were holding signs and chanting. There were speakers blasting music from a flatbed truck that had been turned into a mobile stage.

Frodo launched himself out of my backpack like he’d just smelled injustice.

I looked around and realized we were in a city—maybe Chicago or Atlanta or Oakland. It was 2016. I could feel it in the air. Thick with anger. Hot with hope.

Someone handed me a sign that said “No Justice, No Peace.” I held it. It felt right.

The truck speakers crackled.

And then the beat dropped.

“Alright” by Kendrick Lamar.

People lost their minds. They screamed every word like a prayer, like a promise, like proof.

And just when I thought I’d explode from all the fire in my chest—

A hand landed on my shoulder.

“You made it,” a voice said.

I turned.
Kendrick. Freaking. Lamar.

He was calm. Still. Sharp-eyed and steady like he’d already lived this day a hundred times.

“You a traveler?” he asked.

I nodded. “Time traveler. With a cat.”

He looked down at Frodo. “Respect.”


Moments Later – Side Street Cypher

Kendrick led me to a side alley where a cypher had broken out. People were freestyling truths while the crowd kept beat on trash cans, walls, whatever they could find.

There was a guy with a hoodie and heartbreak in his voice—J. Cole—spitting about systems, schools, stolen chances.

And right next to him?
2 Chainz. Drenched in gold, rhyming about survival, respect, the weight of being seen as a joke when you’re smarter than the room.

They were different. One calm. One loud. One sharp like knives.

But they were together.
And that hit harder than the bassline.


Conversation in the Alley

J. Cole looked at me and said, “You look like you got a million thoughts and no outlet.”

“I’m seven,” I said. “And autistic. And ADHD. And kind of overwhelmed by literally everything that’s ever happened.”

2 Chainz laughed. “Then you’re one of us.”

I stared. “But I’m just a kid.”

Kendrick leaned down. “You feel it, don’t you?”

I nodded. “Like everything’s broken and no one wants to fix it. And when I say that, people either laugh or change the subject.”

“That’s because you’re telling the truth,” he said. “And truth makes people flinch.”

“But you make music,” I said. “You yell the truth. And people still listen.”

2 Chainz grinned. “That’s ‘cause we don’t ask permission.”

J. Cole added, “You don’t have to wait to grow up to fight. If you feel it now, you name it now.”

Kendrick looked me in the eye. “Your voice is a weapon. Sharpen it.”


The Crowd Again

We went back to the street. Someone passed me a mic.

I stared at it. My hands shook.

“I don’t have a verse,” I whispered.

“You don’t need one,” Kendrick said. “You just need to speak.”

I raised the mic to my mouth. My throat was tight. My thoughts were loud. But I opened my mouth anyway.

And I said:
“I’m seven years old and I’m tired of pretending I’m not angry.”

The crowd roared.

I kept going.
“My brain works different. That’s not wrong. I’m not wrong. I’m not your project or your pity or your problem. I’m a person.”

And the beat kicked back in like the city itself was nodding.

Frodo yowled in approval.
Someone handed me a pair of sunglasses. I didn’t put them on, but I held them like armor.

I belonged.
Not because I was loud.
But because we were.

🎙️ Interlude 6 – After the Protest

We sat on top of a bus shelter under a sky smeared orange and blue—sunset trying to hold on, night creeping in.

The crowd was still chanting below. The beat had faded, but the rhythm? Still alive. Still thumping in my chest like a second heart.

Frodo curled beside me, eyes half-closed, tail flicking like a metronome.

“I didn’t think they’d listen,” I said softly.

He blinked.

“I mean… I’m just a kid. A weird kid. One who fidgets too much and talks too fast and forgets what she’s saying in the middle of saying it.”

I ran my hand across the guitar. It buzzed like it agreed with me.

“But Kendrick listened. And J. Cole. And 2 Chainz didn’t laugh at me. He said I was one of them. Like… like I belonged.”

Frodo rubbed against my arm, purring slow and steady.

“Do you think this is what power feels like?” I asked. “Not like yelling, but like… being heard. Even if your voice shakes?”

He stared at me for a long time. Then finally rested his head on my foot like, Now you’re getting it.

I looked out over the rooftops.

“There were so many people. Angry. Loud. Brave. Together. I think I forgot what it felt like to not feel alone.”

Frodo let out the tiniest meow.

“I think maybe—maybe rebellion doesn’t have to be about burning everything down. Maybe sometimes it’s about showing up anyway. With your friends. With your scars. With your cat.

He flicked his tail in agreement.

And then I whispered, “I’m not just a problem to be solved.”

Frodo nudged my hand like, No, babe. You’re the solution they never saw coming.

We sat in the glow of sirens and stars.
Not scared.
Not small.
Not silent.

Chapter Eight: The Day the Music Died (But Not For Long)

No crash this time.

No thud, no beat, no rhythm.

Just… silence.

I opened my eyes to a world made of grayscale. Concrete walls. Flickering lights. Everything so clean it felt dirty.

Frodo jumped out of my backpack and hissed.

“This isn’t right,” I said. My voice echoed. A single word echoing in a place where nothing else made a sound.

A sign blinked on the wall:
“UNITED FUTURE ORDER: SOUND IS DANGEROUS. SILENCE IS CONTROL.”

My guitar didn’t buzz. It didn’t even hum. It was like it had gone to sleep. Or worse—forgotten.

I swallowed. “Where are we?”

Frodo pawed at the ground, then stared at a small, square speaker bolted into the ceiling.

No music.
No voices.
No noise.


The Museum of Memory

We found it buried beneath the city—an underground bunker labeled ARCHIVE: ILLEGAL MEDIA.

Inside were cracked vinyls, smashed amps, glitter-covered boots sealed in glass.

There was a picture of Prince. A poster from the Kendrick protest. A copy of Nirvana’s Unplugged CD. A pink cowboy hat labeled “Shania Twain, 1999.”

And in the middle, under a spotlight, was a broken guitar.

My breath caught.
It looked just like mine.

I touched the case and a hologram flickered to life.

A voice said,
“In the year 2042, the Global Noise Ban was enforced. Emotional disorder linked to musical influence. Control restored.”

I wanted to throw up.

They didn’t just ban music. They banned feeling.


The Girl in the Quiet

I turned a corner and saw her.

Sitting alone in a metal room, eyes wide, hands drumming on her legs even though no beat played.

She was maybe ten.

I walked in. “Hi.”

She flinched. “I’m not humming. I swear. Please don’t report me.”

I sat beside her. “I’d never. I miss it too.”

She looked at my guitar. “Does it work?”

I held it out. “Not right now. Not here.”

“Why not?”

“Because this place killed the music.”

She stared at me. “Can you bring it back?”

I didn’t know.
But I wanted to try.


The Song That Broke the Silence

Frodo jumped up on a console and bit a wire.

Lights flickered.

My guitar sparked.

I strummed—just once.

The note rang out, wobbly but alive.

And the world glitched.

The girl gasped. “Do it again.”

I played the same note.

Then another. Then another.

And suddenly—Frodo started purring.

A real sound.

Not silence. Not static.

Music.

The walls trembled. The glass cracked. The Prince boots fell over like they were dancing.

“Keep playing!” the girl shouted. “They can’t stop all of us!”

I laughed. Loud. Wild. Real.

And I played.

A messy, half-remembered, time-warped medley.
Grunge and gospel. Jazz and pop. Protest and punk.

Frodo yowled along. The girl clapped. More kids showed up. More strums. More stomps. More life.


We Brought the Noise

Security tried to shut us down.

But the kids were already singing.

Someone pulled a boombox out of a hiding place.

Someone else started beatboxing.

And me?

I stood on a table, eyes blazing, guitar howling, heart thundering.

And I yelled:

“YOU CAN’T BAN THE BEAT.”

Because you can take the stage.
You can smash the records.
But you’ll never kill the rhythm in a kid with something to say.

🎙️ Interlude 7 – After the Noise Came Back

We sat on a rooftop again.

Only this one was ours.

No time era. No glowing portals. No chaos in the sky.

Just the stars. Real ones.
And Frodo curled beside me, tail flicking slow like a metronome that wasn’t in a rush.

I strummed the guitar once—softly.
The sound was warm. Full.

I looked out over the city lights and whispered, “We did it.”

Frodo didn’t say anything, but his purr was louder than usual. Like he agreed without needing words.

“I thought I was too small to matter,” I said. “Too weird. Too quiet. Too everything.

He rested his chin on my thigh.

“But maybe being too much is exactly what made it work. All those people I met—they weren’t trying to be normal. They were just… trying to be free.

I thought about Mick Jagger’s swagger.
Langston’s poems.
Prince’s sparkle.
Metallica’s fire.
Nirvana’s ache.
Shania’s strength.
Celine’s soul.
Kendrick’s power.
J. Cole’s honesty.
2 Chainz’s roar.
And the girl in the future—just trying to hum again.

I hugged my guitar to my chest.

“They didn’t make me feel fixed,” I said. “They made me feel seen.

Frodo looked up like, Yeah, kid. Took you long enough.

I scratched behind his ear. “I think I’m ready.”

The guitar buzzed gently—like a nod.

“Back to where it started,” I whispered. “Back to the Stones.”

Chapter Nine: We’re Still Standing (And I Brought My Own Damn Song)

The portal opened like a sigh.

No crash. No chaos. Just a shimmer of sound and memory.

We landed in a field.
Big stage. Giant screens. Thousands of people.

A banner flapped in the wind:
“THE ROLLING STONES – FINAL WORLD TOUR – 2022”

I swallowed. “We made it.”

Frodo adjusted his tiny sunglasses like he’d always known we would.

The crowd was wild. But something felt different.

I wasn’t afraid this time.
I wasn’t hiding.


Backstage – Again

I walked past security like I belonged there.

Because I did.

I found the dressing room by instinct. Same smell: sweat, guitars, and old magic.

And there he was.
Mick. Freaking. Jagger.

Sitting on a couch like the last fifty years had just been practice.

He looked up. Blinked.

Then grinned. “Well, look who bloody time-traveled back.”

I smiled. “Told you I’d make it.”

Keith peeked in behind him. “She’s taller now.”

“Barely,” I said.

Mick stood and walked over. “You look different.”

“I am different.”

He tilted his head. “Got a song of your own yet?”

I nodded. “I’ve got a lot.

“Good,” he said. “The world doesn’t need more echo. It needs more noise.”

He handed me a guitar.

And I felt it.

The hum. The power.
Not from the strings—but from me.


Onstage – Just Before the Lights

They let me stand at the edge of the stage before the show.

Not to play. Just to be.

The crowd stretched forever.
I held my guitar like a flag.

And whispered:
“I was here.”

Frodo brushed against my leg and meowed.

Mick stepped up beside me.

“You ready?” he asked.

“Always.”

He smirked. “What do you call your band?”

I looked out at the crowd, then up at the stars, then down at Frodo.

Then I said,
“Soft Storm.”


Epilogue: The Song That Was Always There

I don’t remember every note I played that night.

I just remember how it felt.

Like my whole life had been building to one messy, rebellious, joy-drenched chord.

And I finally hit it.

Not to prove anything.
Not to be fixed.
Just to say:

“I’m here. I’m loud. I’m mine.”

And that?

That was the real music all along.

🎤 Epilogue: Soft Storm Starts a Band

We were home.

Like, really home.
My room still smelled like crayons and bubblegum lip balm. My rock collection was exactly where I left it.
Frodo was already curled on my bed like he hadn’t just helped me restart the entire future.

But something was different.
Me.


One Week Later – The Garage (Again)

We set up in the same garage I wasn’t allowed in back then.
Now? I had a key.

The posters on the wall were new—Nirvana, Prince, Kendrick, Shania, and one that just said:

“YOU DON’T HAVE TO SPARKLE TO MATTER.”

My three best friends were tuning their instruments:

  • Lucas, drummer, ADHD, talks in metaphors.
  • Danny, bass, quiet but fierce, writes lyrics like fire.
  • Jay, keyboard and weird effects guy, lives off fruit snacks and chaos.

We called ourselves Soft Storm.

Frodo was our manager, obviously.


Band Practice

I stood there—guitar slung across my chest, sneakers scuffed, hoodie sleeves chewed on from nerves.

“Okay,” I said. “You guys ready?”

Lucas did a stick flip. “Always.”

Danny nodded, already in the zone.

Jay said, “Can Frodo be in our logo?”

I grinned. “Absolutely.”

Then I took a breath.
The kind of breath you take when you’re not trying to disappear anymore.

And I strummed.

It wasn’t perfect.
But it was mine.

And when we hit the chorus, I screamed the line I’d been waiting to sing since the day this whole story started:

“I’M HERE. I’M LOUD. I’M MINE.”

And my boys?
They screamed it with me.

Frodo purred.
The garage shook.

And for the first time, I didn’t feel like a problem to solve or a kid to fix.

I felt like the opening act for a revolution.

On Being Loved Well (Unmasking, One Post at a Time)

“On Being Loved Well”
 🧠 An essay from Unmasking, One Post at a Time — Entry Two

“To be deeply loved by someone gives you strength; to be deeply loved by your parents gives you roots.”
adapted from Lao Tzu


Not everyone gets what I have.

And I don’t mean that in a bragging way—I mean it in a heart-heavy, gratitude-so-deep-it-hurts kind of way. Because I know what a rare gift it is to be loved without condition. I know how many people live entire lifetimes without feeling truly safe in someone else’s care. I know that what I have is extraordinary.

I have parents who love me well. Not just on the easy days. Not just when I’m thriving. But in the mess. In the unraveling. In the darkest, scariest corners of myself.

Years ago, when I was living in Pensacola and barely holding on, I sent my mom a text in the middle of the night. The kind of text that’s more a whisper than a message. A quiet cry for help from a place where words are too heavy. The next morning, my dad was on a flight. No hesitation. No questions about money or work or logistics. He just came. He came to get me and bring me home. Because home was where they knew I’d be safe.

I didn’t stay long that time. I had a good therapist in Pensacola already. But my parents wanted to help more—they gently suggested I see a psychiatrist, someone who could evaluate me more fully and prescribe medication if needed. There was concern that maybe I had bipolar disorder, something my grandpa had lived with, and something we all wanted answers about. I agreed. And after months of appointments and evaluations, we found out the truth: I’m autistic. It wasn’t bipolar. It was something different. Something real. Something that finally helped everything make sense.

But what stands out to me most isn’t the diagnosis. It’s the way my parents moved mountains to help me get there. It’s the way money didn’t matter when my safety was on the line. It’s the way they showed up.

This past summer, the depression hit harder than it ever had before. I was in a place I don’t ever want to be again—scared, hopeless, and so, so tired. We had tried everything—therapy, medication, art, walking, yoga, journaling. And still, the fog didn’t lift. My parents stepped in again. They paid thousands of dollars—money they really didn’t have—for me to try ketamine treatment. They didn’t hesitate. And twice a week for twelve weeks, my sweet retired dad drove me to Fort Wayne and back for every appointment. (except for the first few…my sister, Amanda took me…post about sibling love coming at a later time ;))

That’s love.

That’s the kind of love that doesn’t flinch in the face of pain. That doesn’t demand I be okay when I’m not. That doesn’t shame me for struggling. That simply says: we’re here, and we’re not going anywhere.

And it wasn’t just adulthood. I’ve felt that love my whole life.

I remember one morning in seventh grade, crying silently through first period after something upsetting happened at the neighbor’s house. I didn’t have a phone, so I went to the nurse with a made-up stomach ache—just trying to escape. My mom picked me up. On the drive home, she gently asked if I was really sick. And I broke. I told her what had happened. I’ll never forget how she responded—with tenderness, with protection, with fierce love. My mom’s not the coddling type, but when it matters? She wraps you up in warmth and makes sure you know you’re not alone.

And then there was the day, years later, when I told her I had been making myself throw up during my sophomore year of college. I was terrified. I felt so much shame. But she didn’t react with fear or judgment. She listened. She comforted me. And then she helped—researching eating disorder therapists, helping me find one nearby, even doing the Atkins diet alongside me that summer just to support my healing. That summer ended up being one of the healthiest seasons of my life—physically, emotionally, mentally, socially.

And my dad… how do I even begin?

There is no love on this earth quite like the love my dad has for me, his only baby girl. It’s so deep it spills out of him. You can see it. People comment on it. You can feel it in the way he talks to me, the way he talks about me, the way he always sees the best in me—especially when I can’t.

When I was younger, we spent nearly every summer weekend driving all over Indiana for softball tournaments. Just me and my dad on the road, city to city, game to game. Those drives are stitched into my memory like a favorite song—simple, sacred, irreplaceable. Time that I now realize was so rare. So precious.

My parents have never put me down. They’ve never made me feel like a burden. They’ve never babied me either—well, maybe my dad a little, but only in the most endearing ways. They’ve always believed in me. They’ve always rooted for me. And they’ve always, always loved me well.

There’s no such thing as perfect parents. But mine are as close as it gets.

One day, if I’m lucky enough to have kids of my own, I hope I can love them with even a fraction of the love I’ve been given. Because this kind of love—it’s a foundation. It’s a compass. It’s the thing I return to when everything else feels unsteady.

This post is part of my “Unmasking” series. And if I’ve been able to unmask—if I’ve been able to come home to myself, and live with softness, and keep believing in goodness—it’s because I’ve always had the safety of being loved well.

And that’s everything.

📌 Tags:

unmasking series, mental health, autism, healing, parental love, suicide prevention, eating disorder recovery, grief and gratitude, neurodivergent life

🎭 Masking 101 (And Why I’m Tired) (Unmasking, One Post at a Time)

“Masking 101 (And Why I’m Tired)”
 🧠 An essay from Unmasking, One Post at a Time — Entry One

Before I knew I was autistic or ADHD, I just thought I was working really hard at being a person.

Turns out, I was masking.


Masking is when you hide or camouflage parts of yourself so you can pass as “normal.”
It’s mimicking facial expressions, tone of voice, posture.
It’s copying how other people laugh or how they make eye contact.
It’s forcing yourself to suppress stimming.
It’s scripting conversations in your head before they happen.
It’s smiling when you want to scream.
It’s laughing when you’re confused.
It’s staying quiet when you’re overwhelmed.
It’s pretending you’re fine so no one thinks you’re difficult.

I’ve done it for so long, I used to think that was my personality.


When you’re autistic or ADHD—especially if you were socialized as a girl or assigned female at birth—masking becomes second nature.
We’re taught to be accommodating. Quiet. “Not too much.”
So we make ourselves smaller. We mirror people. We blend in until we disappear.

And sometimes we’re praised for it.

“She’s so mature for her age.”
“You’re so adaptable.”
“You always seem so calm.”

Calm? No. Just dissociating professionally.
Adaptable? Maybe. But at what cost?


Masking isn’t just exhausting. It’s identity-erasing.

I’ve walked out of social situations completely unsure who I was.
I’ve said “yes” when I meant “no,” just because it felt easier.
I’ve been praised for being chill when I was actually melting down inside.

People didn’t see my burnout—they saw “grace under pressure.”
People didn’t hear my sensory overwhelm—they heard “sensitivity.”
People didn’t notice my panic—they saw “perfectionism.”

Masking works… until it doesn’t.
And when it breaks down, it looks like depression. Anxiety. Burnout. Shutdown. Rage.
It looks like “what’s wrong with me?”
It looks like “I don’t know who I am anymore.”

And honestly? That’s where I was when I started unmasking.

Unmasking is not always peaceful.
Sometimes it’s letting people see you stim or cry or say something awkward.
Sometimes it’s choosing not to go to a thing—even if people expect you to.
Sometimes it’s saying “no” and feeling that old panic rise up… and doing it anyway.

It’s slow. It’s scary. It’s freeing.

I’m still tired.
But now it’s the kind of tired that comes from becoming, not disappearing.


If you’re masking, and you’re tired too—
you’re not alone.
You’re not broken.
And you’re allowed to rest.

🌀

“Unseen, Unheard” – a fictional horror story based on true events

Unseen, Unheard

Trigger Warning: This story contains themes of sexual assault, trauma, and psychological horror. Reader discretion is advised.


[Intro]

“Unseen, Unheard” is a psychological horror story that explores the haunting and often invisible trauma of sexual assault. Told through the journal entries of Sam, a young woman struggling with the aftermath of an assault and the supernatural forces that seem to follow her, this story weaves together the horrors of both real and imagined threats. It’s a journey into a mind trying to find peace, yet plagued by the shadows of the past.


Journal Entry 1

Date: January 15, 2014

I don’t know how to write this. I don’t know if this is even real. But I can’t get it out of my head.
It happened right after winter break, at the party at Scotty G’s house. I had felt safe there—everyone was laughing, music blasting, a familiar crowd of frat boys. He had always been so kind to me, joking around like we were friends. But that night? That night was different. I was laying on the couch, just resting my eyes. The world was fading in and out. Maybe I had too much to drink? Or maybe I didn’t drink enough?
And then I felt it. His hand. No. His finger. It slid in, without warning. I didn’t open my eyes. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to make it real.


Journal Entry 2

Date: January 18, 2014

It’s like there’s a shadow following me everywhere. It’s not just in my head anymore.
I can’t look at Scotty G without seeing his smile, his grin, as if nothing happened. He still thinks we’re friends. He still invites me to hang out. He doesn’t know that I can’t stand being near him. I can’t look at his face without remembering the way he touched me when I wasn’t even awake.
I should’ve screamed. I should’ve fought back. Why didn’t I?


Journal Entry 3

Date: February 2, 2014

I keep hearing whispers. I don’t know where they’re coming from.
It’s like the walls are alive, like they know what happened. Every time I pass by them, I hear my name—soft, like a wind blowing through the trees. But no one else hears it. No one else knows.
The worst part is, I can’t get away from it. I feel like I’m suffocating. He’s everywhere. And it’s not just him anymore. It’s something darker, something older. The house, the room, the air—it all feels wrong.


Journal Entry 4

Date: March 1, 2014

I’ve stopped going to parties. I’ve stopped seeing people. The whispers are getting louder.
It’s like there’s something in the house now. At night, I hear it. Something scratching at the walls. It’s not Scotty G anymore. It’s… something else. Something angry.
I can’t sleep. I can’t think. And when I try, the darkness swallows me whole.


Journal Entry 5

Date: March 15, 2014

I don’t know who I am anymore.
I don’t know if what I’m seeing is real.
The house—the one I thought was my refuge—is now full of shadows. Figures I can’t make out. No one else can see them.
I keep hearing it. That voice. It’s him. I know it is. It calls me by name, softly at first, then louder. It’s as though he’s calling me to him, beckoning me to return. But I won’t. I can’t.


Journal Entry 6

Date: April 2, 2014

I saw him again. Scotty G. He smiled at me. I almost ran, but then I heard it. The whispers, louder than ever, telling me I had to stay, I had to face him.
I don’t know what to do. Every part of me wants to run, but I can’t seem to move.
The shadows are growing. The whispers are becoming screams.
I’m starting to think that maybe I’ll never be free of this. Maybe I’ll always be trapped here. In this house. With him.


Journal Entry 7

Date: March 18, 2024 (10 years later)

I’ve been hearing the whispers again. But this time, they’re different.
I don’t know if it’s the house, or the city, or just me, but I can feel it closing in.
I think he’s here. I think Scotty G is here, still with me. I still don’t know why he did it, why he took that piece of me, but now I’m realizing—maybe I wasn’t supposed to know. Maybe this was always going to happen.
I can’t escape the feeling that I’m already dead. That I’m just going through the motions, waiting to disappear completely.


Journal Entry 8

Date: March 22, 2024

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
The shadows are so much worse now. I feel them pressing against me when I walk, hear them creeping when I lie in bed at night. They’re not just whispers anymore—they’re… screams.
I’m afraid I’ll never leave this place.
And what scares me the most? I think I’ve stopped caring.


Final Journal Entry
Date: March 23, 2024

I can feel it, right behind me, getting closer. The whispers, the shadows—they’re all around me. I don’t know how much longer I can stand it.
The truth is, I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to keep fighting. I think I’ve decided.
There’s only one way to make it stop. Only one way to escape.
And I’m almost ready to do it.


[End of Story]


Closing Thoughts

This story is deeply personal and not an easy one to share. It’s meant to shed light on the lingering effects of trauma, and how it can follow you in ways that others can’t see. If you or someone you know has experienced something similar, please reach out. You don’t have to go through it alone.

Closet Full of Feelings

I’ve always loved fashion. Not just the aesthetics or the thrill of putting together an outfit—but the language of it. Clothes have always helped me express who I am, how I’m feeling, or who I want to be that day. Sometimes it’s playful. Sometimes it’s bold. Sometimes I get dressed like I’m building armor. Other times I dress to soften the edges of the world.

Fashion has always made space for me. For experimentation. For mess. For transformation. And lately, I’ve realized: emotions deserve the same.

Feelings, like fashion, are constantly shifting. They change with the seasons, come back into style when you least expect it, and sometimes hang around long after they were supposed to be packed away. I’ve started to think of emotions not as something to fix or fear—but as something to wear. To try on. To move through. To appreciate for what they are, even if they’re not what I would’ve picked off the rack that day.

As someone who loves fashion—all of it—I don’t believe in ranking styles, and I feel the same about emotions. I don’t think one kind of feeling is better or more “appropriate” than another. Some days are high heels and bold lipstick. Other days are sweatpants and hoodies and unbrushed hair. All of it is valid. All of it is beautiful in its own context. You can feel joy in neutrals. You can feel heartbreak in glitter. You can wear sadness like a velvet robe and still love yourself in the mirror.

Take anger—it’s like a power suit. Structured, sharp, unapologetically present. It doesn’t have to be loud to be strong. Worn right, anger can be protective. It says “no” when you need it most. It gives you back your edges when the world tries to smooth you out.

Or sadness—it’s an oversized sweater, stretched at the cuffs, a little frayed, but so soft it feels like a hug. I don’t mind wearing sadness when it shows up. Sometimes it’s the only thing that fits. And I’ve learned not to rush to take it off. It passes. It always does.

Joy is sequins and silk scarves and the shoes you swore were impractical but wear anyway because they make you feel alive. Joy doesn’t always wait for the perfect moment. Sometimes you reach for it on purpose, like wearing your favorite outfit even when you’re feeling low. And sometimes, joy surprises you—shows up like a pop of color, a forgotten accessory that suddenly pulls everything together.

Anxiety, for me, is a utility jacket with too many pockets. Every one of them full. It’s not cute, but it’s functional. It means well. It wants me to be prepared, to plan ahead, to survive. I’ve learned to wear it differently. Loosen the buttons. Roll the sleeves. Let it be part of the outfit without letting it define the whole look.

And nostalgia—oh, nostalgia. That’s a vintage piece. Something that smells like the past, that reminds you who you used to be. It’s bittersweet and beautiful and, like all fashion, it can come back when you least expect it.

I’ve moved through every emotional outfit there is—sometimes in a single day. And the thing I’ve learned is: you don’t have to judge the feeling to wear it. You don’t have to love it to let it pass through you. You just have to honor it. Give it a hanger in the closet of your life. Try it on. Move with it. Let it teach you something.

Emotions don’t always fit perfectly. Some are too tight. Some are oversized. Some need tailoring. But all of them are part of the collection. And the most important thing? You are always allowed to change. To restyle. To reimagine who you are and what you’re feeling, again and again.

I still get dressed with intention. I still love putting on an outfit that makes me feel like myself—or helps me find myself again. And I’m learning to feel the same way about emotions. They don’t have to match. They don’t have to be easy. But when I let myself wear whatever shows up, I start to feel more like me again. The whole me. Not just the pretty moods. All of them.Because really, that’s what fashion and feelings are both about: expression, experimentation, and reminding yourself that you get to decide what looks and feels good on you.

Leaf Lover: A Houseplant Devotion

I’m not really a succulent person. I’ve tried—God knows I’ve tried—but something about those stiff, rubbery little leaves doesn’t click with me. They just sit there, all stoic and self-contained, and I forget about them for one day too long and poof. Gone. Crispy. Cold to the touch. No drama, just silence.

But give me a leafy plant? A long, reaching, swaying-in-the-breeze, viney, thirsty, dramatic houseplant? That’s where I come alive. I don’t just like houseplants—I love them. I pet their leaves. I talk to them. I move them around the room like they’re trying to feng shui their lives and I’m just here to help. They’re my quiet little roommates, and we’re in this together.

There’s something so soothing about a big green leaf. I love the way they catch the light in the afternoon, how they lean toward the window like they’re sunbathing. I love when they surprise me with a new leaf—curled tight like a secret and slowly unfurling over days. There’s no rush. No performance. Just this steady, quiet growth.

I pet my plants like they’re cats. I know I’m not supposed to, technically—some article once told me it stresses them out—but honestly? They seem fine. My pothos practically flutters when I touch it. My philodendron has been thriving under my affectionate, slightly obsessive care. I’ll give them a little stroke as I walk by, just to say hi. A gentle “you’re doing amazing, sweetie.”

And they are. They’re doing amazing. In a world that can feel like it’s constantly unraveling, my houseplants are a kind of everyday miracle. I water them, trim them, repot them when they start getting dramatic and rootbound, and in return they remind me that growth doesn’t have to be loud to be real. Sometimes you grow by just reaching a little more toward the light.

So yeah, I love my houseplants. Not in a Pinterest-aesthetic way. Not in a “plant mom” mug kind of way (please no one get me one – I hate novelty anything). I love them in a real, steady, intimate way. They make me feel calm. Connected. A little more human. A little more alive.

And if I occasionally sing to them while watering or whisper encouragement to a particularly shy fern, well—some things are just between me and the leaves.

Warmth Isn’t a Job Title (Professionally Confused Since 1992)

“Warmth Isn’t a Job Title”
 An essay from Professionally Confused Since 1992 — Entry Two

People always tell me I’m warm. That I’m “such a light.” That I make people feel seen. I’ve been called sunshine in every workspace I’ve ever entered—schools, sorority houses, law firms, even part-time jobs I barely lasted in. It’s said with affection, usually. Admiration, even. Like it’s a gift I bring into the world. And sometimes, it feels like one.

But it’s also something I’ve learned to weaponize against myself.

Warmth became my strongest asset—and my greatest liability.
Because it kept getting me hired, but never saved me from burning out.

When I was a teacher, I was the one who made kids feel safe. The one they ran to when their parents were in jail or they’d had nightmares or just needed a snack and someone to notice they were hungry. I was the one my coworkers vented to. The one who stayed after meetings to talk through things, who remembered birthdays, who made people feel like they mattered.
And I did mean it. I do mean it. But warmth doesn’t protect you when the roof of your school is literally torn open and your classroom is flooded and no one seems to care that you’re drowning too.

After Hurricane Sally, a piece of metal was hanging off the building, swinging in the breeze. I made a joke one morning—something like, “Maybe it’ll finally come loose and decapitate me, and I won’t have to go inside.”
Everyone laughed. So did I.
But I wasn’t really joking.

I didn’t cry in my car. Not once. That’s not really how it shows up for me. I’m autistic, and my relationship with emotions is complicated. I didn’t sob or scream or punch the steering wheel. I just drove. Every day. Over the same bridge. Past the same water.

And almost every morning, I thought about veering off.

Not dramatically. Not emotionally. Just…logically. Like my brain offering a clean escape hatch I couldn’t stop noticing. If I just angled the wheel slightly to the right, maybe I wouldn’t have to do this anymore. Maybe I wouldn’t have to go back into that building with the flickering lights and the flooded carpets and the trauma pouring out of kids too small to carry it. Maybe I wouldn’t have to pretend to be okay.

Because that’s the thing about being warm: people expect it from you constantly. When you’re the “light,” there’s no room to flicker. When you’re the one who makes everyone else feel safe, no one stops to ask if you are.

So I kept going. I kept showing up. I kept being the warm, glowing presence people had come to rely on. I smiled. I made bulletin boards. I remembered everyone’s favorite personal things and their personal home lives. I played music and danced around the classroom and made my students laugh even when I felt like I was disappearing inside myself.

And it worked.
That’s what’s so messed up—it worked.
I was dying inside, and people just kept telling me how bright I was.

Later, when I wasn’t teaching anymore, the settings changed but the script didn’t. I worked at two different law firms—one big, one small—and in both places, I was the first voice people heard when they called for help. I worked intake, which meant I talked to people on some of their worst days. Car accidents. Medical trauma. Deaths of loved ones. Insurance nightmares. And just like in the classroom, I became good at making people feel safe. Like they could trust me. Like they could exhale.

People opened up to me quickly. I think they could tell I’d listen. That I actually cared. That I wasn’t in a rush to push them through a checklist and onto the next call. I asked follow-up questions. I remembered names. I let people be human with me.

And again—it worked. People praised my “people skills.” My empathy. My warmth. My magic touch on the phone. And again, I was glad to help. I wanted to be good at something that mattered.

But warmth is exhausting when it’s always flowing outward and never back in. You can’t keep handing people pieces of yourself and expect not to go hollow eventually. I was the “bright spot” on every team. The calm voice in chaos. The one people came to when they were upset, even if they outranked me. Especially then.

And I think what hurts the most is… it did matter. It always mattered to someone. But it never felt like enough to matter to the system. Not to capitalism. Not to the structure that chews people up and spits them out as long as the metrics are met.

I could be a ball of sunshine, but the sun doesn’t get PTO. The sun doesn’t get to quit. The sun just rises again—every morning, even when it’s burning out.

I’ve been working since I was 14. Babysitting. Retail. Food service. Odd jobs. Customer service. Admin work. Teaching. Law firms. You name it, I’ve probably done it or something close. At some point, it stopped being a way to grow and just became a way to survive.

And the longer I did it, the more I started to feel like my entire personality was a resume skill. Organized. Compassionate. Adaptable. Emotionally intelligent. A team player. A people person. A fast learner. A warm presence.

Which is to say: marketable. Not whole.
Not really me.

Because no matter how many jobs I did, no matter how good I was at them, they never seemed to lead anywhere. Or maybe they did—but the “somewhere” was just more of the same: burnout, detachment, fleeting praise, and the slow erosion of my inner world. The truth is, I don’t want to spend my life being someone else’s good idea of a helpful person while quietly fantasizing about escape.

I don’t want to be so damn useful that I forget I’m also a person.

And maybe that’s the part I’m still grieving: how many years I spent thinking that being good at work would make me feel like I had a purpose. Like I had a path. Like I was building something that would eventually feel worth it.

But mostly, it just made me tired.
And confused.
And so, so alone.

It’s taken me a long time to realize that burnout isn’t a personal failure. It’s often just the natural outcome of being deeply human in systems that reward detachment.

And I’ve always been deeply human, even when I couldn’t name it. Even when I didn’t cry in the car or melt down at work or fall apart in the ways people expect. I just kept going, quietly breaking down in ways no one could see. But that’s starting to change. I’m learning to notice the cracks before everything caves in.

I’m also learning that being warm isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s not a “soft skill” on a resume or a trait to downplay so I seem more professional. It’s a kind of wisdom. A strength. A way of moving through the world that brings connection, not just productivity. And while it’s been used against me—extracted, expected, taken for granted—it’s still mine.

I don’t know what my next job will be, or if I’ll ever have a “career” in the traditional sense. But I’m not chasing titles anymore. I’m chasing alignment. Sustainability. Reciprocity. Joy.

I don’t want to be the sun that never gets to rest. I want to be a candlelit intentionally—glowing gently in the spaces where it feels good to be seen, and safe enough to dim. Because warmth isn’t a job title.
But it might be the most honest part of who I am.

When I grow Up (Professionally Confused Since 1992)

Welcome to the first post in a new series I’m calling “Notes from the In-Between – Professionally Confused Since 1992.” This is for anyone who’s ever felt like they missed the memo on how to be a grown-up, or who’s quietly questioning what it means to live a meaningful life in a world that keeps asking for more. It’s part essay, part therapy, part “is it just me?”—and it starts here.

“When I Grow Up”
 An essay from Professionally Confused Since 1992 — Entry One

I’m 32 years old and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

Honestly, I thought I would have figured it out by now. I’ve worked hard, done all the “right” things. I’ve been responsible, driven, passionate. I’ve done the soul-searching, I’ve tried the jobs, I’ve paid the dues. But here I am, three decades and some change into this thing called life, and I’m still staring into the void every time someone asks me that classic question: So, what do you do?

The answer? Depends on the year. Or the season. Or the mental health status.

What I do know is this: I love helping people feel seen. Heard. Safe. That’s the through-line in everything I’ve ever done, even when I couldn’t put words to it.

When I was a teacher, I poured myself into my students—into their joy and their pain, into the trust I built with their families, into the hope that maybe, even just for a moment, school could be a place where they felt like they mattered. I brought that same energy to my colleagues, checking in on them when no one else did, trying to be the person who noticed the quiet unraveling under the surface.

In college and even now as an alum, my sorority became another place where I could quietly show up for people. Be the one who listened. The one who stayed up late on the porch swing or texted a check-in after a hard week. I never really needed a title for it—it’s just who I am.

Then came law firms. The first was big and chaotic, but I worked in intake, which meant I was the very first voice people heard when they called. Most of them were distraught—navigating some of the worst days of their lives—and somehow I became a soft place to land. I knew how to listen. I knew how to stay calm when they couldn’t. I knew how to make people feel safe enough to tell a stranger about something deeply personal. At the second firm, which was smaller, I got to go even deeper—speaking to people multiple times, following their stories as they unfolded, being someone they could trust and return to.

I’ve had people call me a “ball of sunshine.” Warm. Calming. Safe. I don’t always see myself that way, but I know I carry that intention with me wherever I go.

And yet—despite all that heart, all that effort—I keep hitting the same wall. It’s like I’m pouring water into a bucket with a slow leak. No matter how meaningful the connections, no matter how good I am at the job, I leave feeling depleted. Like what I do is ultimately…pointless. Or maybe not pointless, but unsustainable. Like no matter how much love I bring to the work, capitalism wrings it out of me until I’m a husk of a human Googling things like how to quit everything and become a forest witch.

I’ve worked since I was 14. Part-time jobs, full-time jobs, all-the-time jobs. I’ve smiled through shifts and swallowed my panic attacks and burned myself out over and over and over. And the older I get, the more I realize how little “work” actually means to me anymore—at least in the traditional, paycheck-equals-purpose kind of way. I don’t want to climb any ladders. I don’t want to hustle for a title that makes me sound impressive but leaves me empty.

I don’t know what I want to be. I just know I don’t want to be this exhausted, this disillusioned, this detached from my own aliveness.

Maybe the better question isn’t “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Maybe it’s “What kind of life do you want to build?” One where rest isn’t earned. One where presence matters more than productivity. One where my warmth isn’t commodified, and connection isn’t a customer service skill.

So no, I don’t have an answer. But I do have hope. I have a deep well of care. I have a longing for something slower, something softer, something real. Maybe I’m not lost—maybe I’m just refusing to settle for a version of adulthood that doesn’t fit me. Maybe not knowing is a form of resistance.

Or maybe I’ll open a sandwich shop that only plays The Rolling Stones and Kendrick Lamar on vinyl. Honestly, that sounds pretty good too.


Next up in the series: “Warmth Isn’t a Job Title”—a piece about what happens when your greatest strength is being the emotional support human in every room, and how hard it is to sustain that in a system that doesn’t value care work. Spoiler: it’s a little bit rage, a little bit softness, and a whole lot of truth.