This Was Never Supposed To Be A Blog

I didn’t set out to start a blog.
I didn’t even set out to “be a writer.”
I just needed a place to survive.

For most of the past year, I was holding myself together with painting, poetry, long walks, and a lot of hope I wasn’t sure I even believed in.
Healing was slow and messy.
It still is.

Then about a month ago, something cracked open in me.
Kind of like that scene in Forrest Gump — he just starts running one day and doesn’t stop.
That’s what happened to me.
Except instead of running across America, I started writing.
And I couldn’t stop.

I started writing memoirs about my life — the real, raw parts of growing up autistic and neurodivergent and not knowing it.
I started writing fictional stories where the main characters were like me — neurodivergent women who didn’t have to apologize for being different.

At first, I wasn’t thinking about anyone else reading it.
I wasn’t trying to be brave.
I was trying to stay alive.

Most of what I’ve written still isn’t on this blog.
It lives in notebooks, Word docs, saved drafts.
It lives inside of me.

But somewhere along the way — after sharing bits and pieces with my family and a few close friends — my mom looked at me and said, “I think you should share this. It’s important.”

And for once, I believed her.

Because here’s what I’ve realized:
People are going to judge me and misunderstand me no matter what.
Especially because I’m neurodivergent.
Especially because I move through the world differently.

For most of my life, I thought if I just stayed small enough, quiet enough, “normal” enough, I could avoid that pain.
Spoiler alert: it didn’t work.
They judged me anyway.
They misunderstood me anyway.
And I just stayed silent and let it eat me alive from the inside.

I’m not doing that anymore.

This blog is me taking my voice back.
It’s me standing up and saying:
If you’re going to misunderstand me, fine — but it won’t be because I hid.
It won’t be because I stayed silent.
It won’t be because I let fear win.

Sharing my writing started as an act of survival.
Now it’s also an act of rebellion.
It’s an act of love — for myself, for my community, for anyone who’s ever been made to feel like their voice doesn’t matter.

The beautiful part?
The surprise I didn’t even see coming?
My words have actually helped people.
They’ve made people feel seen.
They’ve made people cry, and laugh, and think.
And that’s all I’ve ever wanted:
To make the world a little softer.
A little freer.
A little more human.

I also realized I can’t just tell my story without telling the bigger story too.
Neurodiversity matters.
Representation matters.
Advocacy matters.

Most people don’t even know what “neurodivergent” means.
Most people have a cartoon version of autism or ADHD in their heads that hurts real people every single day.
And I’m tired of being silent about that too.

This blog is my small way of pushing back against a world that doesn’t want to listen —
and creating a new space where maybe, just maybe, someone will.

It’s also about education.
It’s about fighting for teachers, students, and schools that are being crushed under systems that don’t care about them.
I left teaching as a career because it was killing me — but I didn’t leave it as a passion.
And now that I’m standing on the outside, breathing again, I feel like it’s my responsibility to use whatever strength I have left to fight for the people still inside.

Education is a human right.
Neurodivergent people deserve to be understood, not “fixed.”
Mental health isn’t optional.
Workers deserve better than barely surviving in broken systems.
Women deserve autonomy over their bodies and their lives.
We all deserve better.

This blog isn’t big.
It’s not loud.
But it’s mine.
And it’s honest.
And it’s full of heart.

If it helps even one person feel seen —
if it plants even one seed for change —
then it’s worth it.

Thank you for being here.
Thank you for reading.
Thank you for listening.

I’m just getting started. 💛

👉 If you’re new here, feel free to explore my essays, reflections, and stories. I’m so grateful you’re here. 🌼

“A Prayer I Shouldn’t Have to Say”

📌 Note to Readers (beginning):

This post contains raw, vulnerable content about suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and deep emotional pain. It’s not meant to shock—it’s meant to tell the truth. If you are struggling, please know you are not alone. This is my way of surviving. If you choose to keep reading, thank you for holding this with care. If you’re someone who loves me, thank you for still being here.


📝 The Poem:

A Prayer I Shouldn’t Have to Say
(for the girl who keeps waking up anyway)

Sometimes,
I wish I could die.
And I’m so fucking scared
because the wish keeps growing—
quietly, like mold in a room I forgot to check.
It doesn’t scream.
It waits.

I used to keep an ESPN article bookmarked—
about a runner at Penn State
who jumped off a parking garage.
I reread it like scripture.
Not because I wanted to be her,
but because I already was.
Just slower to the edge.

In college,
I started researching methods.
Not for shock value.
For comfort.
Like maybe if I knew enough
it would be easier
when the time came.
Like maybe knowing gave me power
over something.

While teaching,
I locked myself in my bathroom at home
more times than I’ll admit.
Laid on the cold tile of classrooms
after everyone left,
wishing I wouldn’t get up.

Still now,
I find rooms with doors I can close—
not to shut people out,
but to lie down and hope
I’ll just
stop.

Because facing it
feels like drowning in daylight.
Because trying
feels like dragging my bones
through broken glass
just to smile at a meeting.

And I still pray—
To God,
To Goddess,
To whatever might cradle the wreck of me—

Please,
take me instead.
Let my death do something useful.
Spare someone better.

I know it would destroy my parents.
They’ve already lost a child.
They’d give anything to keep me.
And that’s the catch—
I want to leave,
but I don’t want to hurt them.
So I stay.
Like a ghost with obligations.

If you’re listening,
God, Goddess, anyone—
make this life holy again.
Make breath feel like more than survival.
Make staying feel
like something other than surrender.

Please,
make it matter
that I stayed.


And maybe—
maybe there’s something waiting
just past the next morning.
A hand I haven’t held yet.
A moment that doesn’t ache.
A softness I’ll recognize
as my own.

Maybe
the staying
isn’t the end
of the story.

Maybe it’s the start
of the healing.


📌 Note to Readers (end):

If this resonated with you because you’ve felt these same things—please, please stay. The world is heavy, but it’s not hopeless. You are not alone, and you are not beyond saving. I’m still here. You can be too.

If you or someone you love is struggling, please reach out:

  • Call or text 988 (U.S. Suicide & Crisis Lifeline)
  • Text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line, U.S.)
  • Or find support near you at befrienders.org